


Today, I Love You Too

by Parahelion



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Tsukiyama - Freeform, Tsundere Tsukishima Kei, tsukkiyama - Freeform, yamatsukki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-16 23:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8121760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parahelion/pseuds/Parahelion
Summary: Yamaguchi Tadashi always assumed that their lives were written with pens.Becoming a regular in Karasuno High School's Boys' Volleyball team, winning a lot of matches against other schools' volleyball teams, staying for longer periods in the court, and being together happily in love with Tsukki...There were no retakes, no undos, no turning back the time to correct mistakes.He'd forgotten that conditions like Amnesia could be some form of an eraser.After all, drastic things like that only happen in dramas, don't they?So what does it take to love someone?Why do long distance relationships need more work for them to actually work?From then on, Yamaguchi tries his best to make his love a permanent mark amidst pages of life written with a pencil.Edited (10/04/2016)





	1. Now Playing: Past Story

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER:
> 
> ALSO IN WATTPAD UNDER SAME USERNAME.
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their creators*
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real life events are merely coincidences.
> 
> But even if this is only fan-made and is not official,
> 
> Please do not plagiarize.
> 
> A/N:
> 
> So... Yeah, this is already a bit of a spoiler, but I still want you to know that...
> 
> I barely know the real deal about amnesia -- no, scratch that.
> 
> I DO NOT KNOW A THING ABOUT AMNESIA AT ALL.
> 
> At least, the legit comprehensive knowledge that doctors and med personnel do know about this condition.
> 
> I tweaked the concept a bit so that this fiction can come into play. So for those who do know more about Amnesia, please be patient with me T^T
> 
> I know that my ignorance could affect your enjoyment of the story but I tried to make it as realistic as I possibly could because I always keep in mind that believability is one of the keys to a good story.
> 
> :)
> 
> Enjoy~

 

**~~~~~~**

 

**It was another day at the uni again and Yamaguchi Tadashi walked his way there as he always did every morning, since he only stayed in an apartment nearby. To keep him company every day on his morning walks to uni, he has Tsukishima Kei's white headphones fitting snuggly around his head and ears. Deciding he could afford to walk slowly since he woke up too early today, he opened Tsukki's playlist and put one track on play.**

**~~~~**

 

_As little Yamaguchi was cruelly pushed so that he sat on the dusty ground with a painful crash, his bullies towered over him, and the way he saw it at the time, it seemed as if it was impossible to pass through them in order to get away. They were a cage made of three people around his scrawny form._

_Being overwhelmed by his helplessness and the smarting sting on his cheek from the heavy black back pack that just hit his face, he started to whimper and was on the verge of crying, until a stranger passed by, instantly diverting his and his bullies' attentions from the current situation._

 

_"Ah,"_

 

_The first thing Yamaguchi noticed on the passerby was the chick colored mop of fluffy, silken hair atop a boyishly handsome face, but was then subsequently surprised at the passerby's height. Yamaguchi thought it was funny for a kid of such an intimidating build to have a baby chick's yellow for his hair color. Yamaguchi was now surrounded by people who towered above him, but the unfamiliar face of the tall kid was refreshing so he welcomed the new sight. Besides, the intimidation he felt because of the stranger was a different kind of fear from the one that pounded harshly on his chest every time his bullies harassed him. With this unfamiliar child, it was more of the awe-inspiring kind instead._

_"Lame." The stranger simply sneered, seeing without difficulty the ridiculousness of the bullies' antics and dismissing the affair that he just happened to pass by without as much of a second thought._

_Everyone's minds immediately became blank, and the tall kid continued apathetically on his way._

 

~~~~

 

The reflection of Yamaguchi's freckled face on the washroom's mirror came into focus, and with him being aware of his surroundings again, the former pinch server chose to end his reminiscing of the past right there, though he continued to silently think of things regarding himself in his mind.

'Lame,' Yamaguchi remembered what his childhood savior said,

'At that time, Tsukki might have actually been talking about me, too. But more importantly, the fact that he was able to say that to the bullies who threatened me... That made him look really cool and I was envious. I wanted to be like that...

'That time, perhaps, was also where the beginning had just truly started.'

As he stepped out of the washroom, he was immediately blinded with sparkling cheer that seemed to effortlessly bleed from Hinata Shouyou, as the energetic fireball excitedly chatted him up about Karasuno's previous match against another powerhouse school. He allowed himself to guiltlessly crack a carefree grin, not fighting the relief anymore as the short middle blocker made his heavy heart lighter without even being aware of it. That's just the way it is with Karasuno's little ball of positive energy.

Today, the former jump float server helped Karasuno's Boy's Volleyball team sharpen their 'weapons' by participating in a practice match against them together with the Neighborhood Association. What would it hurt, right? It was just to take his mind off from some things, especially since it was a weekend anyway.

But it was at the end of the day, after the last pleasantries were exchanged and everyone went their own separate ways under the twilit sky that self-resentment taunted Yamaguchi, and regret-filled thoughts threatened to darken his hopeful vision.

So much has happened and it has only been give or take a year and a half ever since... Tsukishima and him stopped playing volleyball with Karasuno. Tsukki stopped attending school altogether. Through it all, Yamaguchi doesn't even know what to feel anymore. It felt as though it was only yesterday when everyone was still all right and everything was still working out fine.

 

~~~~

 

_They were going back from school, walking side by side, when Tsukishima Kei broke the companionable silence between them, which was untypical of him._

_"Yamaguchi," Tsukki tried to get the attention of his best friend._

_"Hmm?" his freckled best friend absent-mindedly returned after giving one side of the 3 x 3 rubik's cube another turn. Yamaguchi borrowed the toy from the clever middle blocker in hopes of completing at least one face of the cube, but he just can't be successful at coming to that end the way Tsukki easily does._

_"Yamaguchi," the analytical middle blocker tried again._

_"Mmm," the result was the same with his best friend returning an even more unconcerned reply. Yamaguchi gave up on the red side after trying to complete it with the last square for quite some numerous tries already. He turned to the side of a cube where a lot of blue squares had accumulated and started working from there. He unconsciously left his slightly parted lips in a half smile as working with a fresh start motivated him to try out things again._

_This half-assed way of multi-tasking irked the intelligent middle blocker, prompting him to snatch the puzzle cube away and finish the face Yamaguchi was previously fussing about using only four turns._

_"Wah..." Tsukishima's best friend gasped breathily, looking at the completed red face with sparkly eyes. Yamaguchi's lips parted in a wider smile as he looked at Tsukki admiringly, no doubt drowning the other yet again with ceaseless praises inside his mind._

_Tsukki liked moments like this, especially Yamaguchi's hero worship of him. That last part's probably why he felt that his ego and pride have steadily been inflating. This is one of the reasons why he didn't want to be uncool in front of Yamaguchi._

_He found it amusing... The way Yamaguchi thinks too highly of him when he successfully executes even the simplest of things, and that Tsukki himself feels happy about the admiration and recognition afterwards. He knew that that's lame and that's what he would not want to admit, but he wholeheartedly accepted that he liked it when the freckled pinch server admired him. The clever middle blocker wanted to experience it every time, whenever he could, not because he's turned into such a simpleton but because of how Yamaguchi just is._

_Whenever Yamaguchi admired the middle blocker, he looked like an open book and one could easily tell the emotions on his face. He didn't patronize Tsukki nor praised him in a condescending way. The freckled pinch server was just sincere._

_That's what Tsukishima Kei was after._

_Yamaguchi Tadashi's honesty became the middle blocker's refuge from the world that he has already gotten so jaded about, even only from his tender years._

_Remembering the good points of his constant companion, Tsukki almost smiled himself, but a concern of utmost importance made its way back into his mind, and his annoyance together with it, so he lifted the hand that was still holding the rubik's cube and used it to knuckle the oblivious Yamaguchi painfully on the head._

_"Itta-ta-ta-! Tsukki! What was that for?"_

_The commotion caused the two to momentarily stop walking, with the pinch server giving his best friend a puzzled look._

_Annoyance pulling down at the corner of his lips, Tsukishima looked down his nose at the source of both his contentment and irritation and said,_

_"Are you ready to listen to me now?"_

_Hearing the sharp tone at the end of his statement, his freckled best friend was taken aback at first before Yamaguchi eventually moved his head in a curt nod, still unsure about what the matter was really about._

_'Chikusho,' Tsukki reprimanded himself in his mind. Even he did not expect himself to sound that sharp that he almost wanted to wince by the end of it. Instead, he pulled a straight face, cleared his throat, and went straight to the point of what he really wanted to talk about, but not before inclining his head to the side first to signal to his best friend that they should start walking again._

_"Yamaguchi,"_

_"H-Hai?!"_

_Tsukishima gave a furtive side glance at his best friend and chose to ignore the freckled pinch server's tense and flustered antics instead._

_"Why are you staying with me?"_

_The middle blocker knew that the question was stupid (and it was lame) but the thought bothered him from time to time, so he went ahead and used that to skirt around his real concern for a short while. He was also really curious about what Yamaguchi's answers would be, anyway._

_Yamaguchi's brows slightly furrowed and he was silent for a few minutes as he most probably tried to choose his words carefully._

_"Well... We've known each other for a long time now..." He spoke slowly._

_"And?" Tsukishima urged him to continue._

_"You saved me," Yamaguchi gratefully expressed with a toothy smile._

_"And?" the middle blocker pressed further._

_"You're intelligent!" Yamaguchi complimented him cheerfully, an answer which sounded so shallow to the other, to which Tsukishima scoffed unkindly. At that simple action, the goofy grin was immediately erased from the pinch server's face, replaced by trepidation._

_"Seriously, is that all?" the Karasuno's rational mind spoke monotonously._

_Yamaguchi's forehead slightly creased and he briefly succumbed to deep thought. He didn't want to get ahead of himself but if he hadn't known any better, he'd say he had almost heard something akin to disappointment at the edge of his best friend's voice. He sought to try harder,_

_"Hmm... And you're really cool."_

_Instead of feeling as light as a feather as he usually does when he hears those words, that time Tsukishima Kei felt hollow and cold inside that he snapped, an action he would openly express only once in a blue moon._

_He stopped walking and the object of his turmoil followed suit, becoming more and more confused by the minute._

_After inhaling a pained breath, he said,_

_"Could you let me off the 'cool image' and allow me to be lame-o for a while? Your high expectations of me are becoming suffocating."_

_Shocked by this outburst coming from his friend who was usually aloof, Yamaguchi tried to remedy it. Maybe it was something that he did- yes! It could have been something that he said..._

_"Tsukki-"_

_The middle blocker cut him off, "I have something important to tell you."_

_By then, Tsukishima met Yamaguchi's eyes squarely, and the latter was stunned into silence. He couldn't describe the expression on Tsukki's face but the pinch server suffered every second he passed under that particular stare._

_"I have something important to tell you," his best friend started again, "Well, it was important for me, that's why I wanted to know what your thoughts were about me... But... How couldn't I have known that you'd spout off... superficial things..."_

_Tsukki's eyes had grown colder and Yamaguchi withered under his stare._

_"Tsukki-"_

_"Well you've said it yourself. We'd known each other since we were kids! Couldn't you have... said something... more..."_

_Irritated that he couldn't express himself enough, Tsukishima gave up being romantic and just cut to the chase,_

_"I like you... Yamaguchi."_

_Yamaguchi's lips gaped open, and close. He opened it again, and closed it, but it seems he can't get the words out of his mouth._

_At least, not fast enough._

_Assuming that everything was done for, the middle blocker turned to leave so the pinch server stopped thinking. With renewed vigor, his heart pounded hard against his rib cage and he desperately took ahold of the sleeve of his best friend's gakuran._

_"Wait, Tsukki!! I-!!"_

_With his scrawny build, it was a wonder how the jump float server managed to stop a middle blocker that towered over him, but that he did. Tsukishima turned back to look at him with an accusatory glare, daring him to say something, and he made sure not to waste another second._

_"Tsukki, everything that I've said just now, I meant all of them!"_

_Tsukishima's face was blatantly showing his anger now so Yamaguchi, in panic, let the words roll continuously from his mouth because he feared that he'd never have a chance to fully express his thoughts to Tsukki again._

_"When I said that you were cool and you were intelligent, I really just wanted to compliment you! I never meant to sound so shallow-I'm sorry!-but you're special to me! All I notice when I'm with you are the good things about you! Even though you're so impatient sometimes, and you're so cynical it's borderline pessimistic, and so detached it felt as though you never really cared for anything, you're also fair._

_"I'm amazed at your impartial way of seeing things, the way you analyze and plan out strategies in mere seconds during our volleyball matches. You may not be as flashy as Tanaka-san or Hinata, but you're strong! And you help me out a lot in my assignments..._

_"Don't you see?! How beautiful- You're beautiful!! I just love your beautiful mind!!!"_

_At the end of it all, Yamaguchi was struggling to catch his breath while it was Tsukishima's turn to be stunned into silence. Yamaguchi's shoulders slumped and his eyes started to water with his next words._

_"I, I don't even know if I still make sense. I... I've always thought my self inferior to you, weaker than you. See, you're everything that I'm not; tall, can stand up for himself, not a pushover..."_

_Yamaguchi started to sob, "Actually... I also... I've always liked you for a long time, Tsukki! But I'm not as cool as you are! I didn't believe I was good enough for you, that's why I never even tried! But now that... th-that you've said you... you l-like me t-too..."_

_Relieved that he has finally said it all and overwhelmed by the whole revealing-his-thoughts ordeal, the pinch server gave in to tears. Tsukishima wasn't any better off from the mix of emotions that his heart was then thumping with feeling. He was surprised, happy, and touched by what his freckled best friend just told him. At the same time he was also annoyed at Yamaguchi's lack of self-esteem, confused at why the pinch server was currently crying, sad that his best friend was crying and worried about what his best friend might be crying about._

_Tsukishima closed off the distance between them,_

_"Oi, why are you crying?"_

_A sniffle, "...because..." then Yamaguchi was back to crying though he stopped shortly to say, "...but I really like you too!! Uuu..."_

_"Then stop crying already."_

_It was more or less ten minutes before the jump float server actually followed those words. They resumed their trek back to their homes, though this time at a much slower pace because neither might not admit it but they do want to stay much longer with each other after everything they had just come to know on that day._

_The sky had since grown dark so it was harder to notice it, but Tsukki could distinguish Yamaguchi's reddish nose and eyes that were puffy from crying with the aid of the illumination street lights provided as they passed under them occasionally._

_"I told you not to cry so much."_

_"Ugh, I'b zorry," was the pinch server's funny reply from having a congested nose. Tsukishima tried his hardest not to laugh but a smile escaped his lips anyway._

_"Tch, kakko waru. (Lame)" Tsukki chided his best friend._

_When Yamaguchi turned to look at him with an alarmed yet resigned expression, he was quick to add,_

_"Not just lame, you're a coward too. Try doing something first before you completely dismiss the idea. How could you just accept your own assumptions?"_

_"Well, we were friends-"_

_"We still are." Tsukki quickly amended. Yamaguchi didn't know what to say to that but didn't want to tire his mind out with further thinking, so he just continued what he was about to say._

_"You're too important to me... I didn't want to risk losing you."_

_Tsukishima was at a loss for words after he heard that. Feeling warmth creep up his face and still not willing to lose his cool to that extent, he turned to hide his blushing face to the side just as Yamaguchi sneezed. What a convenient excuse._

_"Besides, I-" Yamaguchi was about to add but Tsukishima never let him finish._

_"Oi, I told you to stop giving me that crap. Are you still going on about how I'm too good for you and you're not good enough for me?"_

_The freckled pinch server just kept quiet, letting the other know that his assumption was indeed right, so Tsukki just took this as a cue to continue,_

_"How many times am I going to tell you, I'm lame and you're lame. That's why we fit each other."_

_The middle blocker knew how stupid he sounded but he wasn't willing to relent until he got his point across to his best friend._

_"We're together now," Tsukishima took this as an opportunity to scoop Yamaguchi's hand so that the two were now holding hands just like how lovers normally do, and it was the pinch server's turn to blush a bright red, "Lame-os stay together."_

_Yamaguchi just gave him a sad smile; Tsukishima knew his best friend wasn't convinced._

_"You don't believe I'm lame for you right now?_

_"Can't you even see? If you're so lame then I'm also lame enough to want you to stay with me, lame enough to feel lost when you aren't with me, lame enough to feel that my day is incomplete when I don't spend it with you..."_

_The freckled pinch server's heart felt tickled at Tsukki's show of affection, since he has always been used to walking beside an indifferent best friend._

_"Nnn, nnn," Shaking his head in disbelief, Yamaguchi let out a light hearted chuckle, "Tsukki will always be the coolest for me."_

_"All right, let's stop this sappiness. It's getting too lame. We can get to the cooler side of things..."_

_Not having the slightest inkling about what Tsukki meant, Yamaguchi just tilted his head to the side. Tsukki invaded his personal space and it took a long time before what was happening eventually registered in the pinch server's mind._

_Tsukishima's warm, moist lips felt like an oasis of softness against his dry and chapped ones. Tsukishima's breaths seemed to make life seep into the pinch server's broken soul. A tap of slight coldness that afterwards morphed into wet warmth, and he was hesitantly parting his lips. His tongue and Tsukki's meld into a silken dance, and he enjoyed the other's gentle suction as he still tasted the traces of soda from the middle blocker's tongue._

_They parted for oxygen, cheeks flushed, lips swollen, eyes sparkling._

_Wanting to grab the opportunity to make Tsukishima uncomfortable this time as a payback for earlier, the pinch server spoke through his breathlessness,_

_"Nnn, nnn, Tsukki," he shook his head at his best friend, "I don't think that's cool."_

_It was effective in clearing away the pleasured haze in the eyes of the tall middle blocker._

_"What?" Tsukki tried to clarify with an incredulous arch of a brow._

_Grinning mischievously, Yamaguchi corrected, "It's way too sexy."_

_They both heavily blushed; Tsukki from embarrassment and Yamaguchi from finally allowing himself to show his feelings._

_Finding Yamaguchi too cute and being unable to help himself for the sudden rush of desire in his system, Tsukishima Kei frustratedly palmed his face._

_"Ugh, this is so lame, kissing in the middle of the street?? At night???"_

_His freckled best friend just continued grinning at him. He's really falling dangerously in love with those crescent smiling eyes right now. A few seconds more and he lost his self control._

_"Never mind lame, I'm going to kiss you again."_

_As Tsukki stooped down to reach Yamaguchi's lips again, the pinch server allowed himself a last laugh before indulging his best friend._

 

 


	2. PLAY BACK X 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: 
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

They finished their first year and had a romance filled summer vacation which they spent with a lot of cliche dates in a lot cliche places, mushy bonding time in either person's houses, and sappy interaction everywhere, specially every time it was just the two of them alone. Sometimes there were arguments like episodes of jealousy, but they somehow always managed to iron things out before the gap between them got any wider. At the end of their struggles, it always turned out that they didn't really have anything that they should have worried about or that the two of them were just being fools, making mountains out of molehills. Their relationship continued smoothly until the early part of their second year... Then that just had to happen.

 

~~~~~~

 

_Tsukishima Kei and Yamaguchi Tadashi were walking side by side as usual. They haven't gotten far from the school yet because volleyball practice had ended really late, what with how excited and tense everyone was from the upcoming matches again._

_These two as a couple aren't your typical lovey dovey partners who are always laughing and chatting nonstop whenever they are together. Had Yamaguchi loved someone else, he would have been the same, but with Tsukki by his side, there were more periods of silence than anything else. Most would find that boring and wonder how the two even managed to continue staying together, but Yamaguchi understood Tsukki very well; he had a lot of time to know what Tsukki liked and disliked in everything and to avoid what he disliked because (and he was very proud of the fact that) they have always been together since they were kids. He knew no other person who appreciated silence as much as Tsukki did, and he respected it. Besides, the pinch server liked to hear his thoughts and evaluate himself from time to time too._

_At a first glance, they looked like normal schoolmates who walked home together, one seemingly skittish and a subservient lackey of the other one who was silent and gangly... and absorbed in his own world, what with the white headphones always covering his ears. But looking down, you'd see that their hands were intertwined intimately. The darkness couldn't hide the red tips of Yamaguchi's ears and the indifferent facade of Tsukishima was anything but convincing with the slight curving upwards at the corner of his lips. At a closer look, they were actually persons who loved each other and appreciated each other's companies and presences more than anything._

_The two of them, sweetly walking home together, with utmost contentment that settled comfortably on top of the silence that they shared..._

_What a picture perfect scene!_

_The lighting was just not that adequate. And then there was light. But then there was too much light. And the light was moving back and forth violently, flashing on and off sporadically._

 

**_"YAMAGUCHI—!!!"_ **

 

_And then the picture perfect scene was ruined._

 

...

 

_In his all white, sterile and boring hospital room, Tsukishima Kei was left with no other choice but to give his attention to the continually rambling telebi. Sometimes the images and the sounds from the TV registered in his mind, but most times they become just flashes of blurred colors across his eyes and an annoying constant noise in the background._

_Since waking up after being in coma for about four months, he was put to rehab and is under observation until the doctors deem he was all right and stable enough to be out of the hospital and finally stay at home._

_The door to his room slid open and in came yet another nurse holding what looked like a notebook in one hand and a pen in the other while she struggled to walk as she kept her tickler tight under one armpit._

_It was the third time that day that a nurse was handing him a pen and a notebook, asking him to write just about anything he remembered on it. Tsukishima Kei set about to do that task without further ado, not wasting another second to make small talk with the nurse because he just wasn't that friendly. He tried to write everything he remembered since he had nothing else better to do anyway._

_He failed to notice the flash of pity in the nurse's eyes._

_Meanwhile, as the nurse waited for her patient to finish what he was doing, she watched as an update from the same news which was already showing in the TV for about a week and four days more played out across the wide LCD screen._

_She couldn't believe their gall to make a public apology after the massive damages to property and suffering they have caused to the people that they have harmed._

_It was about the estranged couple who were the reason why she was standing beside this particular patient in front of her today. Having problems with divorcing each other, being overwhelmed by their emotions as one affair after another was found out from either party, pointing fingers at who would be left to shoulder a mountain of debts in spite of still having three little angels that they were supposed to love and care for..._

_On the night that poor Tsukishima-san and his best friend were walking home from school, the estranged couple were arguing inside a car while the husband was trying to drive home. Voices were raised and the altercation became violent. The husband lost control of the car and dangerously skittered through most of the shoulder of the road. The estranged couple survived with only minor injuries, while the school mates had to be rushed to the ER because of life threatening injuries, just to name two of many other casualties._

_His companion was already healing from punctured lungs, fractured arm and ribs, but here was Tsukishima-san..._

_The nurse's brows furrowed from worrying too much._

_'Such a young child,' she thought._

_Tsukishima Kei closed the notebook and hesitantly handed it to the nurse, not because he was shy but because he felt that it was not yet complete and he didn't like to do things in a half-assed way, just as he remembered being borderline OCD when it came to completing projects and other school requirements._

_Of course it was not yet complete because he was not dead yet, Kei thought and he lectured himself frustratedly in his mind._

_But there's just something in the way the skin under his fingertips sort of... itched? tingled? As if there was something more._

_As the nurse took the pen and notebook from the young patient's hands, she stayed for a few minutes more to just casually observe him. He was fully awake and conscious, doing the usual things that any eventual outpatient were doing. He looked... healthy._

_The nurse's belief in miracles was only further cemented._

 

_..._

 

_"From what I read, he just wrote the same things again, not minding some alterations of small details here and there..." The accommodating doctor told Mrs. Tsukishima using a friendly tone._

_"Yamaguchi-kun, you said that it stopped up to just before the end of your first year? Around March... was it?"_

_"Hai..." the teenager answered helplessly, picking at the cast of his left arm since he didn't know and didn't have anything else to do._

_"Doctor," Mrs. Tsukishima uttered desperately, wanting to know what was really the case of her child. Mr. Tsukishima just sat silently beside her and stroked her back, sitting up just as tensely as Yamaguchi from across the other chair in front of the doctor's table._

_"Tsukishima-san, I believe that what we've found out so far are indeed indicative of anterograde amnesia, but—"_

_Mrs. Tsukishima started sobbing but she covered her mouth and hid her crying face on Mr. Tsukishima's chest, trying her best to be quiet despite her sorrow because she wanted and knew that she and her husband both needed to hear the rest._

_The doctor continued, unperturbed, though in his eyes he was also worried for the sobbing client in front of him._

_"...There was memory loss after the brain injury._

_"Because the condition affects declarative memory, he will be unable to recall recent events from now on and that is also true of newly introduced facts. Procedural memory is not affected with this type of condition so he can still learn skills, retain his habits... he will be all right. He just wouldn't be able to form, for example, new bonds of friendships._

_"Depending on the extent of damage to the brain, recent memories are the ones that are usually greatly affected, because the forged neuronal pathways for these memories are not yet that reinforced or strong._

_"From our observation of the patient for the last few weeks, he is already stable and if you are taking him home, you might have to make some changes to your lifestyle to accommodate the patient."_

_Mr. Tsukishima politely interrupted the doctor, a bud of hope still incomprehensibly blooming in his heart._

_"Doc, is that really true? About my son... You said something about the findings..."_

_"Yes, Sir, I was going to tell you that the extent of damage to the affected part of the brain was... bad, to put it simply. Please don't take this badly but I'm surprised your son is up and about already. He only spent four months in comatose despite the head trauma. It's really incredible! You have a very healthy young man right here, sir..."_

_Yamaguchi lost track of the conversation because most times, he got overwhelmed by the technical sides of the situation that the doctor tried to explain in layman's words as much as he could._

_One thing definitely thoroughly branded itself onto his brain, not just with a fizzle but with a searing, acrid smelling, flesh frying mark by fire._

_He and Tsukki really aren't the typical couple any more._

 

~~~~

 

The former pinch server was now standing in front of his house, looking like a fool, unmoving when he was just a few paces from the gate. It's only because he refused to accept that yet another day has ended, just like that, and a following morning would soon come with the passage of just a few more hours.

Should he come in?

He courageously took a deep breath and nodded his head to himself, deciding that he would and should start settling down for the night.

...Tomorrow is a new day, right?

 

~~~~ 

 


	3. PLAY FORWARD X 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch. 3 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

 

~~~~~~

 

Yamaguchi Tadashi found himself yet again face to face with a situation that should have belonged smack right in the middle of a drama. Instead, Yamaguchi was smack right in the middle of the reality of life, and whereas characters in TV dramas are almost always assured of a happy ending and mind boggling miracles that would secure that happy ending for them, the former jump float server was left with nothing but uncertainty; sometimes even self doubt. The reality of the situation itself makes it all the more that hard to believe in, and Yamaguchi still has yet to be used to Tsukki who always forgets that they're actually already boyfriends when the next day comes.

"Couldn't you think of a funnier joke?" Tsukishima taunted him with a mocking expression on his flawless face, his lips curved up in this lopsided smile, his voice laced with disdain.

Yamaguchi didn't mind and even tolerated it when such a face was directed at others, like Hinata. But now that it was directed at him, it hurt. He should have been used to Tsukki's sarcastic sneers already, but today was really a bad time, and as Tsukki looked at him like that, he felt like his chest was being clawed raw.

A part of the freckled pinch server was also already getting tired of this. Every time, this is what makes him hesitate to visit because he's already getting tired of unnecessarily getting hurt. He asks himself why he even tries most of the time. But he couldn't forgive himself for what happened, and for even feeling tired. He misses Tsukki. Every day. A lot. And there's also a part of him-the part of him that makes his heart ceaselessly beat with feeling for Tsukki-that just won't make him let go that easily.

He won't give up yet. Not without a fight. Besides, he's already experienced this scenario a lot of times to finally be able to formulate an argument that (hopefully) Tsukki would accept, whether the former middle blocker wanted to or not.

"But that's it, Tsukki. Can't a joke be any more ridiculous?"

With that said, Yamaguchi was silently driving the point home that if he was lying, then he could have fabricated a more convincing lie. But what happened, happened, and to Tsukki, he just can't manage to lie to him with a straight face.

Now that Tsukki looked at least a bit more serious than he was earlier, Yamaguchi found this as an opportunity to urge his best friend further.

"Just look at the notebook, Tsukki," Yamaguchi eyed the splayed notebook from the hospital that his best friend carelessly tossed on the bed without as much as a second look at it the moment the freckled former pinch server arrived. 

"Scan it for a few minutes at least," he nudged Tsukishima about it again, "I'll just get us some tea from downstairs. It looks like you've already cooped yourself up for a long time in here..." 

The proof of that was the glowing light from the game console, which meant that it was still plugged in and was only recently used though it was turned off. Although he was the guest, Yamaguchi actually doesn't mind doing the errand that he has set for himself, since he also wanted to give Tsukki his space to give him some time to think after the former pinch server just dropped the bomb on him.

Another thing is that Yamaguchi hoped the notebook would do the rest for him, especially since the words in there were written with Tsukki's penmanship itself- not that that would be enough to convince his best friend but, it wouldn't hurt to try, right?

As Yamaguchi soundlessly let himself out Tsukishima's bedroom door, the last things he heard and saw were his best friend "tch"-ing and finally flipping through the pages. Treading softly down the wooden stairs, the former jump float server allowed his lips to slightly curve in a lonely smile.

 

~~~~

 

Yamaguchi still remembered how he received that particular notebook which deceivingly seemed similar to the rest. But he couldn't be more mistaken about it as the doctor assigned to his best friend eagerly relayed what happened for the rest of that day to the freckled high schooler.

Tsukki remembered.

He was truly conscious and had a lucid state of mind that the doctor and the nurses were compelled to finally tell him of his physical condition. But a considerably long moment of calm was followed by erratic behavior that the medical staff was forced to sedate him, since he was so adamant on leaving the hospital and seeing Yamaguchi Tadashi.

Tsukishima Kei's parents, his older brother, and Yamaguchi were contacted by the hospital. Unfortunately, only Tsukki's parents could make it since Akiteru-san still had classes in his university. Yamaguchi tried to make it to the hospital as soon as he could but he still did not make it there fast enough.

By the time he came, Tsukki's parents were huddled together, sitting on the chairs in the waiting area, Mr. Tsukishima softly saying soothing words to his wife, as the latter quietly sobbed, her face red and wet with tears.

The pinch server approached them hesitantly.

Mr. Tsukishima gestured for him to come closer and when he did, the older man handed him a white notebook; the kind of notebook that the nurses (and sometimes doctors) always handed to his best friend to monitor the middle blocker's recollection of past and recent memories.

 

"Take care of this, Tadashi-kun. It's yours."

 

That day, Yamaguchi belatedly realized that Tsukki's parents had already read the notebook before he did, and that they finally know of the recent relationship that formed between him and Tsukki. He paled at first, his mouth quickly drying up, but then he relaxed as he recalled that they never looked at him scornfully, nor did they say anything against their relationship.

Though that also doesn't readily mean that they agreed, Yamaguchi was at least able to breathe easier, color gradually returning to his face.

Everyone waited for Tsukki to regain his consciousness, and when he did, everyone hoped that he would retain his earlier lucid episode, but...

 

_~~~~_

 

_Three days away from being released from the hospital, every nurse and doctor that tended to Tsukishima Kei thought that everything else would finally smoothly fall into place._

_But there is always a "but" in these kinds of things. What else would "hope" and "wishes" be there for?_

_On this fateful day, Tsukishima Kei was granted a moment of clarity so detailed and vivid that he didn't need his glasses to see._

_At once, his mind became recipient to an overwhelming bulk of information, all about what happened ever since and what's supposed to become of him, when he first asked the question, "Why am I here?"_

_When he heard all about his having a certain mental disorder called "amnesia", he laughed, but his laughter came out of his mouth flatly without the littlest trace of mirth in them._

_What other reaction could he have had?_

_Everything was surreally unbelievable yet credible at the same time._

_Given what happened to him, everything made sense. Though the revelations sounded like a drama script, no other excuse answered the riddle dumped in front of him so succinctly._

 

_"Amnesia"?_

 

_He wrote everything that he came to know of that day on the notebook._

_That is so damn friggin' cliche, he scribbled. He felt lame with the lot of dressings and bandages that wrapped around his head like an idiotic turban. The IV drip's needle that was buried under the skin of the back of his hand felt itchy. The constant beep of the heart monitor by his side was shrill and grated on his ears._

_But he was trying to ignore something else entirely._

_Not the blatant truth that screamed so obnoxiously right at his face._

_It was one thing to watch about the ailment in cheesy chick-flick films that his mother liked to waste her time on, but to experience it right at that moment, in a non-fictional context, Kei felt unsure and insecure about everything, especially where he stood._

_Then his train of thought crashed back into the most important person in his life as of the moment. It was because of remembering more about that freckled guy that the doctors were convinced of Kei's new progress in the first place._

_Though it was hard, Tsukishima Kei had already accepted the state of his mental health right on that day, and the nurses were silently proud of him for it._

_But that was it!_

_His mind's memory retention is unstable. He could form a memory right at that moment and forget it after a few seconds at worst. He had no assurance of what might happen for the next few minutes that the clock ticked. He didn't know for how long he could stay that way, being able to remember what he should more than anything else._

_That person was the one that Tsukki desperately hoped to see first, right at the moment that he woke up that day._

_Tsukki liked to believe that that person was there yesterday, and could have been there the day before, and the day before that, fervently wishing for him to come back, though he couldn't remember anything._

_Now that he did though, why wasn't Yamaguchi here?!!, he wrote on the paper with so much pressure, the paper started to tear under the pencil's strokes._

_Seeing his room's plain white clock which seemed to silently scream pitch black numbers at him didn't help. He felt uncomfortable, asphyxiated, and tense as the clock's bright red, second hand continued to count the seconds away, sounding ticks and tocks as loud as bombs right by Tsukki's sensitive ears. His fingers started to twitch impatiently, crumpling the edges of the notebook's papers and gripping the pencil tighter; heart painfully tightening with anxiety. He tried to be rational about his circumstances._

_He thought about patiently waiting for Yamaguchi to appear, and he resolved to wait until the end of the day if needed. Yes, he would do that and he decided that he'd never sleep. He was worried that he'd forget if he paid lala land a visit, and forgetting was a very big taboo for Tsukishima Kei at the moment. From that small worry, a bigger fear started to take form._

_Would Yamaguchi even visit? How sure was he that he could hold up until the end of the day? What if he waited until lights off and Yamaguchi never even came at all? Does he even have that much time to keep his cherished memories with his best friend? The seconds still alarmingly ticked like incessant warnings right by Tsukki's nearly deaf ears._

_There was so much to do and say._

_Just thinking that he'd forget what Yamaguchi really meant to him by tomorrow just as he remembered it so clearly today..._

_Kei's calm composure started to crack. He wanted to protest from how unfair it all was. He wanted to shout until his throat burned raw. Thinking that a stranger would come and replace him in his body tomorrow- he couldn't take it!_

_Tsukishima Kei threw the notebook and the pencil somewhere off his bed as he stripped himself of the blanket, the IV, the heart monitor, and of his cool, detached, and rational demeanor._

 

_..._

 

_Outside Kei's hospital room, passing nurses by his door were caught unprepared by the alarms that suddenly sounded from the amnesiac's private room._

_The door burst open, and out came a tall and blonde, disoriented looking angel who was wearing a sheer hospital gown and was standing bare-footed._

_That angel walked unsteadily as if he had just hatched from an egg._

_Snapping from the shock, one of the nurses told him to come back to his room using a professional voice that was supposed to relax patients under normal circumstances. Tsukki didn't listen though, because he could barely hear and comprehend anything from the loud rush of adrenaline in his veins._

_"Where is he?..."_

_"Sir, who are you looking for? We will get in touch with them for you."_

_"Where is he?..."_

_"Sir, should we call for your father?"_

_"No."_

_He made sense of the question and tried to answer accordingly, but he wasn't really sure if his answer was really for that question or for something else entirely._

_"Your brother, sir?"_

_"NO."_

_His eyes darted here and there more frantically. His eyes started to water simply because he couldn't catch sight of that nori-colored hair and scrawny build anywhere._

_"Yamaguchi..."_

_"Sir, kindly return to your room. We will contact whoever that person is for you."_

_Kei continued to push past them._

_"Yamaguchi."_

_"Sir, please don't go any further. You are still recovering."_

_A nurse finally braved to gently push him back. That was what made the last string that tied Kei to sanity, snap._

_"Please, Sir-"_

_"I want- I **need** to **SEE HIM!!!** "_

_"Sir-!"_

**_"YAMAGUCHI!!!"_ **

_"Sir- Please- Stop-!"_

_"Let go!" Kei said as the nurses gathered around and started to physically restrain him._

 

**_"I SAID LET GO!!!"_ **

 

_One nurse started calling for a doctor and other medical staff that could offer their assistance, "...We have a situation with a patient from room 212, please-"_

_The stairs leading down were in sight and the nearest exit could have been just a few steps away, but there were too many hands and arms that were forming chains and manacles around him, halting him from marching forward. Less than two months in rehab and he could barely walk straight. What more of running, then?_

_But he doesn't care about that despite knowing that he's still unfit and frail, and he can now be considered mentally handicapped._

_Why couldn't they understand??_

_He doesn't have **much time.**_

_He had to **see him NOW! Touch him NOW! Hold him NOW! Tell him that he--**_

_But the tranquilizing needle was already impaled in his flesh._

_Feeling the pain like a slap that told him to wake up, his mind was cleared of his panicked haze. But he couldn't accept it all just like that. Though tears started to make a film of water in front of his eyes, it seemed as though the tears only served to make his surroundings and the colors that much clearer. That was what he didn't want to be parted from._

_The chance to truly see and be aware was just at hand._

_Kei let out one last frustrated and desperate cry as the nurses started to drag him back to his room, finally letting the tears fall as he was wrenched away so cruelly from that rare opportunity; from that moment of clarity, with details so sharp and colors so dizzyingly vivid, the darkness of oblivion conquering his lucent sight._

 

_..._

 

_(beep) ... (beep) ... (beep) ... (beep) ..._

 

_Tsukishima Kei blearily opened his eyes, welcoming a foggy vision. The heart monitor's constant beeping angered him and he couldn't understand why. The shrill sound had been his constant company in the white and sterile hospital room that he had eventually learned to ignore the beeps after a while._

_So why did he feel like throwing the machine against the wall to smash it to indistinguishable smithereens, so he could have some peace and quiet for once?_

_He glanced at the clock in his room and noted its monotone hues. Everything in his room looked very subdued._

_He sat up sluggishly and stayed in that position for a while. He was still a bit sleepy but the thirst was becoming unbearable so he reached for the bottled water on the table beside his bed._

_Just then, a female nurse slid his door open to take a peek at him, closed it, and came back with various people._

_Doctors, nurses, his parents..._

_...and his eyes stayed on too long at a particular high school boy._

_He never understood why white coats, and other white uniforms annoyed the hell out of him all of a sudden. He felt like strangling the doctor with his own sphygmomanometer._

_He looked more frequently out his room's open door, past where his parents were standing. Yamaguchi was looking at him so expectantly, patiently waiting for something from him that the middle blocker had no way of knowing, that's why Tsukishima can't maintain a steady eye contact with him._

 

_He just. felt. so. exasperated._

 

_But more than anything, he was mad at himself, for not being able to understand, for having to assume that there was something wrong with him..._

_He closed his eyes and massaged the part of his nose right between his eyes, seemingly because of an incoming headache, but really, it was because he didn't want to fall apart in front of strangers and people who were supposed to be dear to him._

_"Can't you just... leave me alone."_

_His question became a statement from how flatly he spoke, repressing as much of the boiling anger inside. He didn't want to fall apart but he didn't want to lash out at them either. He did not want to be seen as weak though there may be something wrong with him._

_Tsukishima Kei's hospital stay was extended for another seven days._

 

_~~~~_

 


	4. PLAY FORWARD X 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 4 T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to update + revamped summary XD (10/04/2016)
> 
> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

 

Tsukishima's freckled best friend may have spent a longer time than he should have in the kitchen downstairs when he was supposed to only get some tea that would possibly refresh both Tsukishima and him. It's because Tsukki's okaa-san has taken to asking him about what happened to his day instead, since Tsukki had to already stop attending high school after the accident. 

She asked Yamaguchi about his school mates, his recent performance in quizzes and other tests, what happened to his volleyball club... It almost felt like Tsukki's mom was being a mother to Yamaguchi himself. The former pinch server knew Tsukki's mom already treats him like family because Tsukki and Yamaguchi has been friends since they were little kids, but Tsukki's mom being like this to him right now... It only makes him feel even guiltier. He can't believe Tsukki's mom is still so nice to him after everything that happened, because he still feels that it was his fault.

Yamaguchi must have not been too mindful of how long he was taking because eventually, Tsukishima Kei himself went downstairs.

Instead of casually passing by for a drink though, Kei was very persistent about one thing.

"Kaa-san, is it Saturday today?"

"Y-Yes... Why do you ask?" Mrs. Tsukishima's stutter seemed to have given something away because there was something in Tsukki's eyes that Yamaguchi just can't put his finger on. But he was sure that Tsukki wasn't convinced because his next answer sounded just as disbelieving.

"Nothing."

The two boys lazed around in the kitchen for a while as Mrs. Tsukkishima continued chatting up Yamaguchi. Tsukki chose to be around longer by scanning the contents of their fridge. Just as Yamaguchi had a hunch that his best friend would, Tsukishima didn't drop the subject easily and asked his mother again,

"Demo, Kaa-san, is it even Saturday today?"

"Of course it is, Kei. Why do you ask?" This time, Mrs. Tsukishima answered with more certainty in her voice, though she was starting to look anxious.

Tsukki decided to probe further, "Then, why did Yamaguchi visit so late?"

Tsukki's mom couldn't answer and Yamaguchi was starting to realize that the situation at hand was becoming a crisis. Tsukki turned to question his best friend next.

"Yamaguchi, if you were free, why didn't you come visit earlier?"

He decided to play along though his heart was almost at his throat from how hard it was pumping with adrenaline.

"U-Uhh, I h-had other things to do..."

"Hehh..."

Yamaguchi never missed the slight smirk on Tsukki's face. He was so nervous that he stuttered and he was sure that it was a huge give away as his best friend looked like a cat who has just discovered where a pest was hiding. A moment hasn't even fully passed before Tsukishima was broaching the subject again.

"Okaa-san, are you sure it's Satuday today?"

Both boys knew the limit was reached as Mrs. Tsukishima had a change in her tone of voice. She was starting to get angry.

"I already told you it was, Kei. Stop this."

Though her tone sounded harsh, in the end Yamaguchi knew that she was just really worried and anxious about Tsukki's state of mind. There were a few times when Tsukki had intervals of really short memory retention that he kept asking the same questions after only seconds have passed.

"Hmm... Don't I have any school today?" Tsukki innocently asked, but Yamaguchi saw that there was something more as his best friend's eyes looked determined.

"NO!!!"

Mrs. Tsukishima vehemently stated, the finality in her answer was firm and Tsukki knew that it couldn't be challenged anymore. Her grip on the knife was trembling so she put it down, leaving the radish half chopped as she tended to other things in the sink for a while.

The tense silence that followed was so unbearable for Yamaguchi and he was almost scared to death of disturbing it, but he tried to make things lighter by clarifying it for his best friend,

"...You don't have any, Tsukki."

"You boys go upstairs now. You've been sidetracking me too much already. I still have a lot to finish here." Mrs. Tsukishima was just too eager to be left alone already.

With a sigh, Tsukki acquiesced, though he did it quite reluctantly.

"Yamaguchi, I'll be going upstairs first. You said you'll bring tea right? Bring coke and some snacks instead. I'm going to play video games in my room."

 

~~~~

 

When Yamaguchi got to Tsukishima Kei's room, he thought he'd be met with the sight of Kei's tantalizing profile, the furious clicking of keys, eyes behind glasses very focused on the game in front of him, form hunched and seemingly brooding, no doubt evaluating many strategies in his mind.

Instead, there was silence that blanketed the room, but Yamaguchi didn't know how to react to it. It wasn't as tense as the silence downstairs earlier, but there was still something in the air that the freckled high schooler just felt wary about. The silence was also because the game console and the wide screen wasn't even set up, and instead of fussing in front of the set, Tsukki was just casually lying down, sprawled on his bed.

The former pinch server set aside the snack laden tray with two cans of coke on a low coffee table in his best friend's room before he hesitantly approached the latter on his bed, not really knowing what to do.

"...Tsukki—"

"Yamaguchi," his blonde best friend cut him off, "Don't think you can fool me. Tell me what day it is today; the exact date."

The freckled jump float server defeatedly told him. There was a longer period of silence that followed afterwards, but the former couldn't do anything about it because his best friend already knew, and it was very obvious that today wasn't anywhere near a weekend. Despite the uncomfortable atmosphere in the room, Tsukki was the one that broke the ice anyway.

"You..." Tsukki started faintly, then more decidedly, "Have you always known?"

Though Yamaguchi's neck felt stiff, he still managed to nod his head but he couldn't even meet his best friend's eyes. What will he do if his best friend snapped? But Tsukki wasn't really one to get angry in a lively way. He was more like the bottle-it-all-up type. And he wasn't really that angry in the first place... More like, annoyed, and Tsukki just lifted his hand to remove his glasses first before rubbing tiredly on his eyes instead.

It wasn't like they were trying to fool him. They were just keeping him safe because he forgets that he's not a first year nor is he attending school anymore. And that was what Yamaguchi told his best friend. Heavy guilt was crushing his shoulders now as another truth was silently exchanged between the two.

Tsukishima Kei stopped playing volleyball ages ago.

"...And you?"

"I... I'll be finishing second year soon. Summer vacation's nearing so we can spend more time together— not that that was my plan all along! I mean! Only i-if you w-want to—!"

"Yamaguchi, I perfectly know what you mean." Tsukki chuckled softly afterwards and Yamaguchi allowed his taut shoulders to relax.

Tsukki wasn't mad.

"So, that's that, and..." Yamaguchi was bad at closures, but he still tried.

"Yeah..." Tsukki saved his friend from awkwardly ending a chat, "Not that it would all matter anyway, even if I did want to know more..." Still lying down on the bed, Tsukki lifted a closed fist up in the air, "At the end of the day, I'll fall asleep, and just like flipping a switch—" He opened his fist to demonstrate his point, "I'll forget everything when I wake up the next day."

The freckled high schooler didn't know what to say to that so he just let his best friend continue,

"...Some kind of joke this is... I won't even remember you've been here by tomorrow..." The middle blocker said as he let gravity make his arm fall back down on the bed.

"Tsukki..." Yamaguchi wanted to say something to comfort his friend, but he didn't know what to say, nor where to start. He knew that though Tsukki never showed it on his face as he always did, the freckled high schooler knew that his best friend was battling a complicated conflict deep inside. And if Yamaguchi didn't know how else to comfort his self about it, how was he going to console his best friend about what happened?

Nevertheless, he caught Tsukki's attention, and the latter motioned for the other to sit on the bed on the space that Tsukki just patted. Yamaguchi blushed as he could almost hear Tsukki speaking in his head,

'What have you been doing there, keeping on standing like a fool? There are a lot of spaces to sit on, you know?'

But the real Tsukki spoke over the imaginary Tsukki in his mind.

"Can we stay like this for a while?"

"Huh?" Yamaguchi was a bit disoriented from the two kinds of Tsukkis he just heard. Kei just raised his brows at him.

'Idiot.' Yamaguchi winced as he reprimanded himself in his mind but heard Tsukki's voice say it instead. Then making sense of what the real Tsukki just said, he blushed as he replied,

"O-Ohh, okay..."

Yamaguchi kept himself more firmly rooted to reality as he heard Tsukki chuckle again, and it wasn't something that his best friend frequently did, nor allowed himself to, so the freckled pinch server listened to the wonderful sounds attentively, savoring the genuine laughter while it lasted. But when he calmed, the former middle blocker said,

"Just... let's just stay like this... as friends..."

Tsukki could almost see Yamaguchi's hurt face clearly across his eyes though he wasn't looking at his freckled friend at all, and he was confused at the twist of pain in his chest once he imagined that. Though he couldn't understand the intense feeling, he definitely knew that he didn't want his best friend being in pain, so he elaborated further on what he just said.

"It's just that, I still can't see myself being your boyfriend... or being attracted to you..."

He braved to turn to Yamaguchi and saw that his friend didn't look hurt at all but was just looking at his hands while listening. Still not assured that Yamaguchi was fine about all of it though, Tsukki compromised and let himself open up just a little bit more.

"But just because it's like that doesn't mean I still won't get lonely if I you're not here..."

Yamaguchi turned to look at him, and Tsukki couldn't understand but he could feel his face warm up anyway. He turned his face to the side to keep from looking at his freckled best friend before continuing the other side of his message on a more serious note.

"...Because if you were me, you'd be running out of things you can do, if you're just alone on a blank day."

 

~~~~

 

At the end of the day, as Yamaguchi turned his back to Tsukki when he went to leave through the front door to finally go home, he never saw the flash of resolve in the eyes of his best friend.

That night, swishes of pen across paper could be softly heard in Tsukki's room as he furiously scribbled on his study table.

 

~~~~

 


	5. SEEK -11 (1:30:08)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 5 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... lemon! O.O
> 
> (Update now cause I might not have any free time later...)
> 
> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their creators*

  

~~~~~

 

It's been almost a week then since Yamaguchi last saw Tsukki. He barely noticed each day blend into each other as he kept ruminating on certain words that his best friend listlessly uttered last time.

'...blank day.'

Blank moments.

That was what he called those times when Tsukki really could not remember the deeper relationship the two of them shared. A relationship that was more than "just friends". And on those times, their interactions revert to a period in their lives where their every exchange was just platonic. Yamaguchi could not expect a stolen kiss on the cheek a random moment here, warm fingers seeking to wrap themselves around his hand the next, because their friendship was the only relationship in Tsukki's memory that the accident let the middle blocker keep intact.

Yamaguchi was thankful for that, at least. Though admittedly, the former pinch server hopelessly missed those kinds of moments. But he never pushed Tsukki too hard about anything related to how they used to be. After all, the way things are now, each day is about starting anew with Tsukki. It's a no brainer that you can't make a person develop deep feelings of passionate love to you again instantly.

Besides, the two haven't always shared blank moments. There were certain things that happened between the current Tsukki and Yamaguchi that the latter just couldn't understand, if he were to speak of the matter simply. Every aspect of those events still put the freckled high schooler in a quagmire each time he tries to justify them in his mind, so they remain incomprehensible, and he calls those moments... uhhmmm... m-moments.

Just like this one particular visit when he noticed that there was something different about his best friend; something strange.

_He thought it was Tsukki being as unmotivated and uninspired as usual, but Yamaguchi couldn't flat out call him lazy, because he could still see the spark of alertness across his best friend's eyes. It was just that Tsukki seemed... more languid than usual? His eyes were hooded but not enough to make him look sleep deprived, just... Like he was suffering from the heat?_

_'Oh,' Yamaguchi thought that was it and reached out to adjust the thermostat of the air conditioner without consulting Tsukki._

_With his back turned to the chick haired middle blocker, he never saw Kei take hold of the notebook Yamaguchi haphazardly left on a bedside table in his rush to fix the temperature of the room to make his best friend comfortable quickly._

_When the freckled high schooler turned to face Tsukki, he never expected the other to be sifting through the notebook of his own accord. Usually, it was Yamaguchi having to thrust the notebook at his face and even having to be on his knees and beg just to get Tsukki to read it. The jump float server thought of Tsukishima Kei's pronounced curiosity as something that was unusual in the sense that it wasn't routine, but he never gave it any more thought because he was mostly relieved that he wouldn't have to resort to prostrating himself in front of Tsukki again, hoping he would give the notebook's pages at least a flip._

_Tsukki skipped to almost the end of the notebook, backtracking a lot of pages to end somewhere near the middle, reading mostly his last few entries. He flipped through the notebook so sluggishly that Yamaguchi was beginning to be disheartened, already bracing himself for what he thought Tsukki was going to say... or do._

_He never even made the effort to finish reading it. Tsukishima mindlessly tossed the notebook somewhere, the action done so disinterestedly that Yamaguchi flinched when he heard the soft thump the notebook made when it hit the carpeted floor. He was immobilized where he was standing when he returned his sight to Tsukki though._

_His best friend's amber eyes had a predatory glint in them, and when Tsukki started deliberately approaching him in slow, calculated steps, he stumbled to get back a little. The way Tsukki walked to get nearer to him... his every action seemed more graceful and fluid than usual, like flowing water... and he was getting hypnotized, he never noticed it when Tsukki was finally only inches away from his form, so near that he could feel the other's body heat seeping through his clothes. When he did, it seemed his dazed mind still could not catch up with reality, he stood unmoving as Tsukki wrapped his long, leanly muscled arms around his scrawny frame, a smooth skinned face with a slightly teasing smile descending to meet his..._

_Yamaguchi helplessly melted to Tsukki's embrace as their tongues wetly clashed while they caressed each other tenderly, not even noticing that Tsukki was slowly reversing their positions. Yamaguchi felt his eyes tearing up at the thought of the long time that has already passed and how much he had missed these... just these kinds of intimacy and these shows of affection, no matter how mushy. He only knew then, right at that moment, how he missed Tsukki initiating kisses and hugs like he was doing now._

_But then he just had to remind himself of how changed Tsukki already was. He wanted to remain in the sanctuary of Tsukki's arms around him; to keep basking in his warmth, but guilt was gnawing his insides. He hadn't wanted then to be with Tsukki like that. So he pushed away, gently, and still catching his breath, heart jumping at his throat, he breathlessly told his best friend,_

_"W-Wait, Tsukki, let's think about this first. Are we really going to do this?"_

_The middle blocker started to walk again, making the pinch server take backward steps as the former simperingly replied,_

_"I don't really understand it either, but I guess what they say is true."_

_"Wh-What?"_

_Tsukki smirked seductively, "That the body doesn't lie."_

_The backs of Yamaguchi's legs hit the edge of the bed and the two of them fell on top of it. Just then, the former pinch server felt Tsukki's arousal grind against his groin while the latter's body loomed over his._

_Though flustered, Yamaguchi tried to change his best friend's mind but Tsukki couldn't be swayed. That day, his best friend was playful and was in the mood of "why not"; Yamaguchi basically felt like he was facing off with a giant wild cat. Tadashi tried hard to hold on to what he thought was right, but at that time, Tsukki was free, and when it came to his Tsukki, his defenses couldn't really stay up for so long..._

_"This much should be fine... We're_ _**boyfriends** _ _, right?"_

_That was the last straw and Yamaguchi let himself drown in Tsukki's advances._

And then there was this another, remarkable moment just like that, and Yamaguchi doesn't even know which was hotter between the two anymore. What he does know is that he ends up flushed and embarrassed after remembering either.

_He and Tsukki were otherwise busy in the middle of an intense something, and they were so into it that they've forgotten to lock the door. Yamaguchi would have been sprawled on his best friend's bed in all his naked glory had Tsukki only been patient enough to wait. Instead he was halfway out of his gakuran, leaving his front bare, nipples achingly erect at the feel of suddenly being exposed to cool air, and his pitch black pants pooling down his legs as they lay on Tsukki's back, quivering thighs atop his best friend's broad shoulders._

_The former pinch server didn't know how else to describe it but Tsukki was working wonders with his mouth on Yamaguchi's... down there... Kei's firm strokes on his member, the pressure of his fingers in Yamaguchi's prostate pressing just a bit harder at the right times, the sensual lashing of Tsukki's tongue on Yamaguchi's sensitive tip— each of those actions alone were enough to coax a moan out of the freckled jump float server, what more of their combination? Yamaguchi couldn't believe that the sounds he was hearing were from him anymore._

_The twinges of titillating pleasure continued down south for what the former pinch server felt was quite a long while already. Eventually, the pleasure was becoming just too much that he felt like he was on the brink of exploding. Everything already felt so good to him, even just the soft breathing of Tsukki down his length only served to arouse him even more. The problem was that Yamaguchi was afraid to let go. He didn't want to soil Tsukki's mouth from where he could taste traces of coke, sometimes even of icing and strawberries, as they shared breath-taking french kisses. He didn't want to soil Tsukki's pristine, wonderful mouth. Actually, he didn't want to soil Tsukki at all. He clenched harder on his muscles but he thought he felt a bit of precüm leak from him. His chest felt constricted. Was he too late? Did he soil Tsukki after all? The whole worrying experience felt like being only millimeters away from the edge of a cliff to Yamaguchi._

_Just when the freckled high schooler thought he couldn't take Tsukki's gentle suction on his taut rod anymore, the door to his best friend's bedroom swung open without even making a squeak, and in the doorway stood Tsukishima Kei's older brother._

_If the former pinch server thought he was already light headed enough from Tsukki's continued erotic ministrations on his nether regions, he then realized he was wrong as he felt sweat form beads on his forehead as his face grew cold, his head only feeling impossibly lighter. He didn't wait to see Akiteru-san's eyes finish getting wider. Yamaguchi lifted his head with all the strength left in him but the freckled high schooler could only look to see Tsukki with his eyes closed, cheeks hollowing around his very excited length. Laying down his head again on the sheets with a soft "puff", he felt helpless and ashamed as he saw Tsukki's older brother stand paralyzed under the frame of the door. He wanted to tell Tsukki to stop, but only high pitched moans were coming out of his parted lips and he could only pat Tsukki's head, not even having enough power to completely push his best friend away._

_He simply felt like a jell-o with how good he felt from what Tsukki was doing to him._

_"A–..."_

_"A-Ahhh..."_

_He tried to work his mouth but around that time, Tsukki chose to sück Yamaguchi harder, unwaveringly set on making the other come and thrash on the bed in overwhelming ecstasy. As Yamaguchi bucked from the sudden spike of pleasure, he thought then that his best friend couldn't have chosen a worse time._

_Akiteru-san stood silently by the door, stupefied and his jaws gone slack. The former pinch server wanted to explain but his attempts were in vain. He was afraid of what Tsukki's brother might do, not for himself, but for Tsukki. Yamaguchi wished so hard under his labored breath that no other trouble would happen as he ever slightly shook his head._

_Meanwhile, Tsukki felt his jaws starting to ache, but he patiently continued. Amidst the cracked moans, he was wondering why his freckled best friend was taking so long. Was it a test of endurance?_

_Yamaguchi felt Tsukki smirk around his girth. He hasn't even finished a thought but Yamaguchi's ability to think became naught as his brain seemed to have short circuited. Tsukki was trying something else and it was working. Held captive by the pleasure his best friend was giving him, Yamaguchi couldn't suppress his pleasured gasps and loud moaning anymore. Sparks were forming at the edges of his vision and were starting to blind him. All this while worrying about not coming in Tsukki's mouth and trying to warn him that his older brother was watching them by the door, he didn't realize whose name it was he called in a strained, half-scream as the pressure dissipated from his groin, and his pleasure left him in jets of white, wet and warm ribbons._

_..._

_When the aftermath of labored breaths and the last of keening moans faded, a heavy, foreboding silence soon spread in the whole room._

_Though he was now breathing more regularly, Yamaguchi wasn't relieved from it as Tsukki left his already softening organ with a soft pop, immediately asking in a rather angry voice,_

_"WHAT?!"_

_The freckled high schooler flinched, "Ahh, A-Akiteru-san! He's... at the..."_

_Yamaguchi still felt weak from the whole ordeal, he could barely point to Tsukki's door. There, his older brother still stood as if his slipper-covered feet got frozen onto the wooden floor itself._

_'If looks could kill...' the freckled high schooler thought, but he didn't even had the slightest strength left in him to laugh. Only, he was compelled to pull portions of the sheets towards him in a feeble attempt to cover his intimate parts._

_Tsukki, not even bothered that he himself was half naked, went to get a pillow behind him to chuck it at his still astounded brother._

_"Aniki, get out! You pervert."_

_Tsukki irritatedly uttered his last two words under his breath, but it was still loud enough to make his older brother blush and stutter a counter remark._

_"Y-Y-You–! W-What did you—" Akiteru-kun just let out a breath to calm himself, his face looking ruddy, "You're the hentai here!"_

_"Just get out!" Tsukki told his brother and threw another pillow at him, already visibly annoyed._

_"Ok– Ok– Just— Next time don't forget to lock the door!!!" Akiteru-kun hastily countered and made a show of locking the door and slamming it shut afterwards._

_"You boys! What's the commotion up there??!" Mrs. Tsukishima's muffled reprimanding could be heard from downstairs._

_"Nothing Mom!" was Akiteru-san's fainter reply_

_More chattering downstairs followed but it was already too inaudible for the two youngsters so they didn't mind what was happening downstairs anymore. Yamaguchi was about to sigh in relief but it was cut short as he realized that it was his turn to be roasted under Tsukki's withering glare._

_He didn't like it when Tsukki was being too apathetic but he knew then that he'd prefer that facade over Tsukki's silent wrath every day. Whether the loss of strength in his bones was due to the intense something that had just happened between them or the time that they were caught in the middle of it by Tsukki's older brother, Yamaguchi didn't know anymore. He just gulped in an effort to brace himself from what he thought was about to happen._

_"Yamaguchi."_

_"H-Hai?!"_

_Tsukishima Kei's amber eyes only narrowed at his tense reply. Yamaguchi couldn't have felt any guiltier._

_"Whose name were you calling out while you were climaxing in my face?"_

_The former jump float server had the grace to blush hard. He tried to explain what happened in his own terms,_

_"...I-I just wanted to w-warn you—"_

_"That doesn't answer the question," Tsukki cut him off and repeated his previous question, "Whose name did you call out while you were coming in my mouth?"_

_"And after I had just swallowed your cum too..." Tsukki annoyedly added as an afterthought._

_Blood already pooling up north and seemingly accumulating there permanently, Yamaguchi felt sheepish and guilty about the whole situation, but he still tried to defend himself,_

_"I-It's just– It f-felt... so good–"_

_It only made Tsukki's irritation flare._

_"That's not an excuse!"_

_Yamaguchi's whole body stiffened when he heard his best friend's tone. He couldn't take his eyes away from Tsukki's face._

_"What was that??," Kei furiously continued, "Feel good? Do you feel better when you have an audience?? Did you feel good being watched by aniki as I sucked you??!"_

_By the end of his lines, Tsukki's face was so near to Yamaguchi's and the latter felt his best friend's breaths like gales of stings on his frail soul._

_Tsukki knew Yamaguchi didn't mean it like that but he went and taunted him about it anyway. It's only because he felt so jealous that he wanted to get back at his best friend just a bit. Now, said best friend was turning into a crying mess for reasons that Tsukki didn't even want him to cry about._

_"Kakko waru." Tsukki said it so harshly but his face was already softening._

_Kei wasn't even sure whether he was really saying that to Yamaguchi anymore. Thinking further about it, he realized it was more towards himself._

_"Don't cry." Tsukki gently told him but those words only served to make Yamaguchi tear up more until he completely broke down. Tsukki kissed him tenderly on his forehead then pressed more kisses at the side of his face until the middle blocker reach Yamaguchi's jaw, quieting the other's faint sniffles so that only soundless tears were left, trailing down the sides of his face. Gently cupping the jump float server's face, Tsukishima Kei tenderly wiped the tears with his thumb._

_Though he admitted that he was lame inside his head, Tsukki refused to fully give in though... at least, not in front of Yamaguchi._

_"You're mine so take responsibility."_

_The former pinch server's forehead slightly creased, not quite understanding what his best friend meant until he belatedly realized that Tsukki has already aligned himself to his lubricated entrance._

_"Take your punishment and I'll forgive you."_

_And in one thrust, Tsukki plunged himself to the hilt snuggly inside Yamaguchi's waiting heat. The latter couldn't help letting out another ragged sigh as he winced and slightly moved, letting himself get used to Tsukki's size while feeling himself start to harden again. Tearfully smiling as he lost himself in Kei's deep kisses, Yamaguchi accepted his "punishment" with open arms._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My attempt at ero-ero scenes... What do you think? O.O


	6. SEEK +03 (2:04:16)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 6 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my longest chapter...  
> (I'm sorryyy T^T)
> 
> See, I originally intended for this whole story to be a one shot only but before I knew it, it became so long...
> 
> I'm actually having a hard time chopping it up into chunks because I made it continuously.
> 
> Ehehe
> 
> \--> Another ero + pain play. Practice makes perfect right? It's getting harder for me to catch some free time to update hahaha

  

~~~~~~

 

"Aah! Ahh haa! nnn..."

Today was no different from those incomprehensible moments as well. 

Yamaguchi couldn't even remember how everything led to this anymore. The pleasantries seemed to flow like a whirlwind and the next thing Yamaguchi knew, he could only focus on the beautifully sculpted body that loomed over him as his best friend pounded him so hard, he worried for a second that he'd be buried deep in the mattress after this.

His backside already felt sore and the pleasure was starting to be too much but his mind could only take note of the thrust after thrust against his sensitive spot and Tsukki's pleasured face, eyes closed and mouth slightly ajar as he immersed himself in the sensations. Yamaguchi wanted to lick the beads of sweat that coursed their way down the sides of his face and his delectable jaw, but the former pinch server just contented himself with following those beads of sweat with his eyes, not wanting to get up and disrupt Tsukki's rhythm. He tried to keep his eyes open because he wanted to savour this Tsukishima Kei in front of him right now, who was openly showing a vulnerable side, but his head already felt like exploding from his nearing orgasm.

Clear vision replaced by blinding spots and blurs, Yamaguchi's eyes closed tight as he came in spurts.

Gaining back a bleary vision, the jump float server didn't know how to react or what to feel about the sight in front of him anymore. Most of his cum landed on Tsukki's abdomen and chest. Yamaguchi wanted to do _dogeza_ in front of Tsukki right now to apologize for dirtying him like that, but at the same time he thought about when being horny became too much. If Yamaguchi thought seeing his best friend sprayed with his cum like that was sexy enough to make his cock stir again when he just came, he didn't know what to do with himself anymore as Tsukki spread the cum on his abdomen so that his chocolate abs became slick with a pearly sheen. Tsukki then proceeded to scrutinize the viscous liquid on his hand, splaying his fingers in between them and watching Yamaguchi's cum flow down like strings of silk from the spaces between his fingers.

The jump float server wasn't aware that he just moaned out loud when he saw what Tsukki was doing.

Catching the middle blocker's attention, Tsukishima caught sight of his best friend's flushed face and, dropping his eyes down south, his best friend's semi-erect member. 

Giving his freckled best friend a coy smile, Tsukki teased Yamaguchi,

"Like what you see?"

By now, the pinch server's face was so red, he looked like he would combust any minute. Taking advantage of his best friend's flustered state, Tsukishima sneaked his hand that was still wet with cum between Yamaguchi's legs and used it to slick the latter's member back into hardness. At that, the former pinch server mewled uncontrollably and was soon bucking slowly again into Tsukishima's grip.

Yamaguchi thought Tsukki would make him come a second time with just that but he was wrong. Initially getting disoriented, Yamaguchi felt his best friend's still erect length slip out of him as he was being lifted up from the bed, until he became clear headed enough to see that he was straddling the former middle blocker afterwards. Tsukki had actually flipped their position so that Yamaguchi was atop his best friend now while the former middle blocker ended up lying on the bed.

He looked at Tsukki's face to confront him about it but Yamaguchi could only feel his jaws going slack as he saw his best friend smiling seductively at him, amber eyes dark with desire. 

"Tsukki..."

"You liked what you saw, didn't you?"

Yamaguchi averted his eyes discreetly as he shyly answered Tsukki, "Y-Yes... But-"

"But what?" his best friend cut him off, "You can't possibly leave me like this after you've gotten off of me, could you?" 

Yamaguchi felt his ears get warm as he stammered, but he couldn't get his thoughts straight so that he just sighed defeatedly in the end, giving Tsukki a chance to speak again.

"I gave you visual service and you liked it very much, might as well service me too, no?"

Tsukki adjusted himself a little on the mattress, making Yamaguchi jolt as he felt Tsukki's excited member poke the inside of his thigh. It was very obvious that the middle blocker still hasn't orgasmed. Yamaguchi's reaction to it only served to make Tsukki's smirk stretch wider but the former pinch server saw the playful mirth in his best friend's eyes. The freckled high schooler became conflicted inside, wanting to please his lover but at the same time, wanting his tired body to take a break from being pleasured for a while, because he was still too sensitive from coming earlier.

"I... I'll just suck you-"

"Ride me."

Yamaguchi winced at what he heard but at the same time felt his heart throb harder in his ribcage. Tsukki apparently just voiced out what Yamaguchi already wanted to avoid, leaving the latter torn about what course of action he should take.

Assuming that the pinch server never understood, the middle blocker explained further,

"Ride me. I want to see you lose yourself as you pleasure yourself on top of me."

Yamaguchi became speechless at that but still feeling his best friend's straining organ against his thigh, Yamaguchi just swallowed his apprehensions and went to accommodate Tsukki's demand. It wasn't often that Tsukki was this vocal about what he wanted anyway. Gently taking ahold of Tsukki's engorged member, Yamaguchi obediently aligned himself and began to go down on his best friend.

The jump float server planned on bottoming out slowly, but Tsukki would have none of it, grasping Yamaguchi's hips and pulling him down faster so that the pinch server was impaled almost completely.

All the while, Yamaguchi was shuddering and stuttering as Tsukki forced him down. He wanted to lift his hips to slow his descent even just a little, but Tsukki's grip was tight on him so that he felt every inch slide into him with aftereffects of tingling pleasure that was borderline painful. The former pinch server's breath hitched as he slipped further.

"W-Wait Tsukki. Don't-!"

"I want you to ride me."

"Hhnn- Y-Yes! Ahh- But-!"

"If you're going to ride me then you need to be seated properly."

Soon enough, Tsukki got tired of excuses and went to bury his cock completely in one thrust,

"OH-!"

Yamaguchi's muscles clenched, making Tsukki groan as the pinch server started to whimper, his legs trembling while he tried to settle down. Yamaguchi's whole body shone with a light sheen of sweat, his face, ears, and neck blushing bright red, and the way the light hit him while he was above Tsukki added depth to the physical features of the freckled pinch server in a way that the chiffon haired middle blocker thought was just mesmerizing.

Tsukki relaxed with a sigh, stroking Yamaguchi's thigh with one hand and Yamaguchi's shaft with the other, trying to make his heavy lidded eyes stay open from the onslaught of overwhelming, hot tightness around his length.

Letting out a breathy laugh, Tsukki panted, "Nice view."

Though currently feeling very embarrassed and conscious of himself, Yamaguchi resolved to humor his best friend, though he felt faint from the second wave of developing pleasure.

Tears of pleasure left the pinch server's eyes. At that time, his joints felt as though they had already turned into jelly, so he started out by going slow. But Tsukki grew impatient and was pistoning his hips into Yamaguchi not long after.

There was a reason why Yamaguchi was reluctant about doing this even though he wanted to make Tsukki happy.

It's because with this position, Tsukki's member penetrated Yamaguchi deeper and reached that special spot inside of him easier. With this position, the pinch server felt as though every thrust Tsukki made into him was a hard one. Gravity was not really helping his case and this was making him worry. He didn't want to come before Tsukki did every time. Yamaguchi wanted to have a chance to see his best friend lose himself in euphoria as well, even if it was just for a single moment. Sadly, Yamaguchi felt as though he'd pass out first from the pleasure again. After all, he already came twice. The freckled high schooler couldn't understand where Tsukki was getting his endurance from.

Before long, Tsukishima was driving his cock faster into Yamaguchi. At this point, Yamaguchi already couldn't hear his mewling moans, his whimpering, and his wanton begging for more. He couldn't even feel the string of saliva that fell from the corner of his mouth that stayed ajar for too long because a gasp, a sigh, a sharp breath and other sounds continuously came out with barely any interval of time among them as they left his lips. Neither did he hear the pleasured sounds that came from Tsukishima Kei himself, mingling with the sounds of sex that permeated the whole room. The only thing that stood with clarity in the freckled pinch server's mind was the pleasure that Tsukki was giving him, ever gradually coiling tightly like a spring in his gut.

Kei has never seen Yamaguchi so debauched, or so he thought, as he tried to brand the pinch server's face which was contorted into an expression of ecstasy in his mind. Not being able to help himself, Tsukki grabbed his freckled best friend's nape and pulled Yamaguchi down for a deep kiss, muffling Yamaguchi's uninhibited sounds with it.

Pulling away from the kiss for a breath of air, Yamaguchi straightened himself a little before supporting himself with his arms, hands splayed on Tsukki's delightful abs, as if his life depended on it. The middle blocker reached up to teasingly pinch one of Yamaguchi's nipples, eliciting a hoarse moan from the former pinch server. Feeling himself getting so close, Yamaguchi's arms started to quake.

At first, Yamaguchi thought he heard wrong, but he strained to hear Tsukki amidst the consuming pleasure and indeed, his best friend was uttering his given name with ragged breaths, calling it out over and over like a desperate prayer.

"...Tadashi! TADASHI!"

One particularly hard thrust after and the middle blocker was coming for all his worth, hips arching from the bed in trying to bury himself into Yamaguchi as deeply as he could. His emotions getting to him, Yamaguchi's muscles squeezed, tears of mind numbing pleasure leaving his eyes. Feeling liquid warmth pulse deep inside of him as his best friend climaxed was enough to push him over the edge. He followed after Tsukki in bliss, hips undulating and jerking as they both rode the last vestiges of their orgasms.

They collapsed onto the bed and Yamaguchi limply sunk onto Tsukki, almost fully drained of all his strength. The pinch server was trembling as the two of them tried to catch their breaths and calm their vigorously thumping hearts. Tsukki weakly wrapped his lean arms around the shorter one, stroking Yamaguchi's nori hued silky hair and the two of them stayed in that position for quite a long while, just savoring and wallowing in each other's warmth. 

The freckled pinch server closed his eyes to make them rest, his lips stretching into a small smile as he remembered that Tsukki came first the second time around. He didn't know how he managed it, but all the same, Yamaguchi felt happier with just that trivial thing. He felt himself relax further into Tsukki as the latter traced patterns on his shoulder, no doubt following the dotting of freckles from there and going across his back. 

The darkness was a comfort to his eyes, a refuge for his tired mind, and though worries kept making their presence known from the unfathomable depths, Yamaguchi thought about staying like that with Tsukki for just a little while longer. Tsukki's embrace felt really good right now and he wanted to relish it, since he hadn't felt the affectionate gesture for quite a long time already. The rise and fall of Tsukki's chest as he breathed was lulling Yamaguchi to sleep.

He wasn't aware about when he succumbed to darkness, but he did, and it was a very wrong move. Tsukki had always been unpredictable after all.

Yamaguchi felt someone shaking him but he didn't want to remove himself from the grips of cozy slumber yet. He wasn't planning on doing so any time soon until a sharp pain that spread from the side of his face forced him to open his eyes, the tang of iron on his tongue like an awakening tonic and him rolling off the bed after a kick on his gut that left him breathless jolted him into an alarmed consciousness.

Tsukki was shakily donning on his black framed glasses, making Yamaguchi also scramble for his clothes that was carelessly thrown on the floor earlier. When the sounds above the bed stopped, the pinch server braved looking at his best friend. The youngsters came to a standstill, Tsukki tense with confusion that began fueling his anger, while Yamaguchi's muscles pulled taut in preparation for anything, since he couldn't even guess what his best friend was thinking right now... except for one thing.

"Why are we naked?" Tsukishima asked with a sharp tone, eyes darting frantically from himself to his best friend, and then around the messy bed.

"T-That... Tsukki-" Yamaguchi didn't even know where to start while he tried explaining. Tsukki interrupted him before he could.

"You're naked?" Tsukki scoffed looking at Yamaguchi with distaste. The freckled high schooler remembered his best friend's compliment earlier, about how scrawny was the new sexy, but seeing his freckled nakedness right then, lacking muscle tone, he wasn't feeling very sexy right now, especially when Tsukki was looking at him like that, with critical eyes.

"What did you do to me?" Tsukki said a little less breathlessly, anger just at the edge of his tone, his stance becoming more rigid as he sat upright on the bed.

"Tsukki, listen-"

Assuming the worst, Tsukishima accused Yamaguchi, "Did- Did you... rape me?"

Aghast, Yamaguchi was quick to defend himself, "NO! Listen, I'm your boyfriend! We-!"

Tsukishima laughed humorlessly and scoffed, "Are you fucking kidding me??!"

Dread seemed to turn Yamaguchi's very bones into lead and he anxiously searched for the notebook which was fortunately also on the floor near the area where his pile of clothes was previously scattered. He frantically grabbed the notebook and straightened up, about to give it to his best friend when, laughing derisively, the former middle blocker referred to Yamaguchi with apparent disbelief, "You?"

Of course, Tsukki wouldn't believe him. As Yamaguchi discreetly appraised his self, he knew. He held on tightly to the belief that 'something else entirely would make his best friend believe his words' like a lifeline. It was the only voice left allowing Yamaguchi to keep himself together in the current situation he was in. He needed Tsukki to believe, so,

"Kore!" He courageously presented the notebook to Tsukki despite his trembling arms, wishing with all his might that his best friend would be collected enough to consider looking across its pages.

"What's this??" Tsukki was irritatedly batting the notebook away from him.

"Tsukki-"

"Don't you dare call me 'Tsukki, Tsukki' now!!! Wh-"

" **PLEASE!** " Yamaguchi was running out of options, "Just- _Please_ , read that. That would explain everything!" Yamaguchi desperately pleaded.

Though his anger was starting to take control of him, Kei still couldn't treat Yamaguchi with a black and white attitude because this person in front of him used to be his best friend, a person that once mattered to him.

Tsukishima took ahold of the notebook and furiously yanked it from Yamaguchi's clutches. He flipped the leaves of the notebook irritatedly, exasperation making his brows furrow as his eyes cursorily scanned the contents of the notebook. The creases on his forehead slightly relaxed as he saw his own writing greet him on the paper though. 

All the while, Yamaguchi took the chance to make himself presentable, too tense as he put on his clothes that he couldn't even laugh at himself when he put his pants on the other way around or why his head wouldn't fit through the arm hole. 

After hastily looking at some pages, Tsukki put the notebook down, still not letting go of it, only to look at Yamaguchi with renewed rage in his eyes. The pinch server's fingers which were still fumbling with his gakuran's buttons froze, heart beating harshly in his chest.

"It says here that I'm amnesiac. S'That true?"

Yamaguchi couldn't nod his head fast enough.

"You want me to believe that?"

Yamaguchi didn't know what else to do, except meet his best friend's eyes squarely.

Tsukki's shoulders started to quake until he shook with loud laughter, but there was no mirth in his eyes.

"...Hey, tell me why." Tsukki spoke so jadedly as he tilted his head in a feline-like manner, "I will forget you every stupid minute of my life, but you still take advantage of me?"

Yamaguchi's arms fell limp by his sides as he felt his face grow cold. He couldn't feel his feet.

"Get out."

"Tsu-" remembering his best friend's outburst earlier, the pinch server quickly corrected himself, "T-Tsuki-"

" **JUST GET OUT!!!** " the former middle blocker raised his voice, but spoke with uncanny calmness the next, "Don't show your face to me again."

Momentarily staggering, Tsukishima's flat tone as he told the pinch server his last words rang clearly in the latter's mind. 

A voice from a different time ago echoed,

_...I don't have feelings for you..._

Though freckled teenager felt the shards of his broken heart cut him up so excruciatingly inside, the realization settled heavily in his very bones so Yamaguchi didn't waste any more seconds and, after making sure he has gathered all his belongings, quickly bolted his way out of his best friend's room.

Left alone, the former middle blocker let out a breath he hadn't known he had been holding in as his shoulders slumped. He felt hollow inside, not knowing what else he should do afterwards, his eyes glancing on the notebook that he was still holding. He held it up warily and, though he hesitated at first, started reading again, starting around the middle this time. 

Frowning about what he had just found out just as flashes of the earlier love making between Yamaguchi and him momentarily made itself clear in his mind's eye, he hurriedly got off his bed to follow frenetically after the nori haired jump float server. He was about to open the door but he remembered he was naked so he frantically got back to his bed, looking around for something to wear, the ticking of time pressing heavily on top of his head. Not patient enough to grab himself some clothes from his closet, he just wrapped and tied his blanket around his hips and made sure to grab the notebook on top of his bed as well before running out of his room to go after Yamaguchi.

Downstairs, Yamaguchi was greeted by Tsukishima Kei's older brother.

" _Konnichibanwa~_ " He greeted back, though sounding strained and less enthusiastic about it. He just wanted to get out of the house as fast as he could but at the same time he didn't want to be impolite to the other members of the Tsukishima household, so Yamaguchi just settled for exchanging pleasantries with them as quickly as politely possible.

As Akiteru-kun approached him while smiling, biting meat off the fork he was holding, his eyes widened after he neared the shorter freckled guy. His fork dropped to the floor with a loud clink in his shock. Cupping Yamaguchi's face, Akiteru-san confronted the former pinch server as he examined the darkening bruise and Yamaguchi's bleeding lower lip.

"What happened?? Why are you hurt?!"

Yamaguchi was squirming in Akiteru's hold as the pinch server uneasily stammered, 

"I-It's nothing! Nothing, really..."

"What 'nothing' are you talking about?!" Akiteru-san wasn't convinced so he pointed out, "You're bleeding!"

Mrs. Tsukishima was at the dining area, having a hunch that something bad was going on with the hushed whispering and strained voices by the living room. She decided to take a look and saw Yamaguchi-kun. She smiled at the sight of him as she invited him to stay for dinner but the motherly smile slowly melted off her face, being replaced by confusion as she saw the defeated emotion in his eyes though he strived to smile back at her.

" _Ano... Gomen._ It's gotten dark and I really need to get home soon. M-Maybe next time around, I could..."

Mrs. Tsukishima frowned when she saw the bleeding bruise at the side of Tadashi-kun's mouth.

Yamaguchi was about to get away but Akiteru-san was still cupping his face so that Akiteru-san got the pinch server to look at him instead.

"Won't you let us treat you first? If you go home like this, your family will think we never took care of you and think we let you get hurt by some gangsters..."

Yamaguchi still found the strength to laugh at that but he kindly declined the offer,

"That's not true. Please don't mind, I really need to-"

"Yamaguchi-"

Hearing Tsukki's muffled voice from upstairs, the pinch server became rigid under Akiteru-san's hold. As Tsukki made his way down until he was only a few paces away from them in the living room, Yamaguchi became paler. Akiteru became more worried for the shorter high schooler. Something definitely happened.

With Akiteru-san still holding his face, the pinch server turned his head a little to the side to see Tsukki looking at them a short distance away, a blank expression on his face though his brow twitched at the sight of Akiteru and Yamaguchi as the middle blocker clutched the notebook in one hand.

Heart jumping at his throat, Yamaguchi forcibly pried himself from Akiteru-san and ran to get his shoes left by the house's entrance.

Akiteru and Mrs. Tsukishima were also shocked at the sight of their family member, standing in the living room with just a blanket covering his nether regions. Mrs. Tsukishima reddened in embarrassment and admonished her son about it.

"Kei, what are you doing down here looking like that?! Get back to your room and wear proper clothes, right now!!!"

But her son just ignored her, eyes trained on only one person. Tsukishima Kei followed after the freckled high schooler with purposeful, wide strides.

Frantically pulling his shoes on, panic dominated all of Yamaguchi's senses. He didn't even hear his best friend stop just inches behind him from how loud his blood rushed by his ears. He fumbled with his shoes, unable to put them on as fast as he would have liked. When he finally heard his best friend utter his name softly by his back, a yelp left him as he stood up in a frenzy. Yamaguchi was about to collect his things but the former middle blocker got ahold of his wrist and held on tightly. The pinch server stopped still at first, then eventually gave in to tremors, muscles pulled taut under the middle blocker's grip.

"Yamaguchi," Tsukishima Kei, started again, still uttering his best friend's name softly, tenderly, "Look at me."

An incoherent sound left the freckled high schooler's lips as he weakly tried to twist his wrist off of Kei's hold.

"Look at me." Yamaguchi's best friend urged him again, still speaking softly. Letting out a shaky breath, the pinch server struggled to turn behind him, unshed tears already blurring the edges of his vision.

"I'm so sorry-" Kei started to breathlessly tell Yamaguchi as the freckled pinch server started to face him. But the moment the former middle blocker saw his best friend's countenance crumpled into this really pained expression, he felt a particularly sharp phantom stab pass jaggedly through his chest. It made him lose his wits, dropping the notebook on the wooden floor, and pulling Yamaguchi towards him to bruise the pinch server's lips with a kiss instead. Licking the cut at the side of Yamaguchi's lower lip so tenderly, the pinch server's mouth was lashed by his best friend's tongue passionately. Kei hoped to get how he felt across to his best friend through the kiss to make up for his lack of words.

Yamaguchi melted in Kei's arms at first, letting his tears race down his cheeks as he returned the kiss with equal fervor. He sucked the middle blocker's tongue provocatively, until the latter's previous accusation resounded in his mind so that the pinch server tensed up again, eyes blinking wide open, and started to push away from his best friend. But from the moment Yamaguchi tensed up, Tsukishima was already wrapping an arm around his lower back, pulling him closer so that their pelvises met and one hand that was cupping Yamaguchi's face stroked his cheek affectionately. Decided on getting away from his best friend, Yamaguchi pushed harder. After a little more struggling, he was eventually able to disengage himself, gasping for air and making the taller middle blocker stumble back afterwards though Kei regained his balance before anything else happened. 

A tension-filled silence passed between them. Not looking at his best friend, Yamaguchi readjusted his bag around one shoulder and stooped down to get the forgotten notebook on the floor with his other hand. He straightened himself, keeping his head bowed, not finding any more courage in him to meet his best friend's eyes. Kei prevented him from leaving by holding yet again onto his arm.

"Don't-" The chick haired middle blocker started to speak, but he was interrupted.

"Tsukishima," The former pinch server faintly but firmly uttered.

Hearing himself be referred to like that by his freckled best friend, Kei felt his neck prickle and the sides of his face grow cold. He doesn't like his surname sounding like that from Yamaguchi's lips. Actually, he doesn't want Yamaguchi calling him like that at all. It was impersonal and lacking that vibrant lilt Kei was so used to hearing from the jump float server, every time Yamaguchi addressed Kei with the silly nickname he once gave his best friend out of the blue. Kei didn't care whether it annoyed him to the point of being tempted to bury his head under a mound of sand; he wanted Yamaguchi to pester him with 'Tsukki' again. Not being able to tolerate the thought of Yamaguchi never ever calling him that again, Tsukishima Kei parted his lips to express his worries, but his mouth instead let off a different matter altogether.

" _Aishite_." Kei uttered in a strained voice almost breathlessly.

He felt Yamaguchi abruptly stop struggling against his grip. Even Tsukishima was astounded by what he said for a moment, but he felt that that was the truth so he made no effort to correct what he just blurted out anymore. As the unforgiving silence stretched longer between them, Kei hopelessly felt his cheeks become slightly warm and vulnerability pour off of him in waves.

Not being able to believe what his best friend just told him, Yamaguchi stammered, "L-Let go." 

"I love you." Kei insisted as he felt another sharp pain on his chest, standing by what he said earlier and being sure of his thoughts this time. His hand slid down to hold Yamaguchi's clammy hand, sliding his warm fingers through the spaces of Yamaguchi's cold ones before squeezing his freckled best friend's hand.

Yamaguchi closed his eyes, letting the last of his tears fall. 'Why now??' the former pinch server's mind screamed. Those words, instead of making him feel like jumping for joy, made Yamaguchi feel more uncertain about what tomorrow will bring. Taking a deep breath to help calm the heart that was thrashing against his chest, he let out a small lie, one that he hoped would convince Tsukishima to let him leave, because right now the jump float server really just needed some time for himself.

"Okay," he breathily let out, still not looking at Tsukishima. The latter only loosened his grip on the pinch server's hand a bit and Yamaguchi knew that he needed to be more convincing about it, so he dared to look at his best friend despite paling at the sight of the middle blocker as the pinch server assured the other,

"Okay..." Yamaguchi spoke again so faintly, his best friend almost never understood him, "I get it, but I really need to go home now."

Quite reluctantly, Tsukishima Kei loosened his fingers around Yamaguchi's hand until the chick haired middle blocker completely relinquished his hold on the pinch server. Once Yamaguchi made eye contact with Kei again, the middle blocker couldn't look away and so did his freckled best friend. Kei wanted to wipe the tears that still fell from the shorter high schooler's eyes, but Yamaguchi flinched when he tried to reach out with his hand so Kei just dropped his hand, knowing that Yamaguchi still felt uneasy about everything.

The former pinch server nervously laughed as he hastily wiped tears off his face, but it was a futile attempt to dust off what just happened between them. Walking backwards to reach the door, he tried to smile at his best friend as he bid him farewell for the night. His imperfect smile only made guilt jab the middle blocker harder in his chest though.

_"S-Sore ja."_

 


	7. 3:20:01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 7 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

   

~~~~~~

 

Yamaguchi stepped out and softly closed the door behind him. Coldness settled heavily in Kei's chest. Somehow, he knew that his nori haired, freckled best friend didn't believe his words even though he thought he had already poured out most of his feelings when he said them.

He stood there, looking at the door for quite a long while, unfeeling even though goosebumps where already erupting on his arms. There was just something wrong with how Yamaguchi excused himself for the night. 

His hands felt too light, not grasping the notebook that held his memories. He recalled that Yamaguchi took it home. The former middle blocker wondered if he made the right choice, letting the notebook that kept his most valued memories be taken home by his best friend instead of him keeping it. He questioned that fact now, unable to recollect that with regards to the notebook, that was the way it has always happened though.

As he contemplated what to do, he heard rustling from behind him. It was Akiteru holding out a pair of pants to him while munching on a potato after getting another clean fork from the kitchen.

"Kei, at least wear pants if you plan on going after him."

Vacillating for a moment, Kei was so tempted to just follow what his older brother said, but he knew that doing that would be irrational and the former middle blocker wasn't that hopeless yet. So with just a little difficulty, he turned his back to the door and reached for the pair of pants his older brother was holding out to him. He loosened the knot of the blanket around his hips and let it fall to the floor, not even bothered by his nakedness as he slipped his slender legs through the pants and revealed that he wasn't wearing boxers of any kind at all. Akiteru gasped and exaggeratedly covered his eyes with one hand, but his fingers were splayed so he wasn't really impeding his vision at all. The side of Kei's lips twitched but he suppressed a smile, opting for just rolling his eyes at his older brother's silly antics. Then he was already walking away, leaving his older brother to pick up the blanket he neglected in the hallway; to clean up after him. Akiteru wasn't willing to let everything end just like that though.

"Kei, about what happened-"

"Aniki," There was just something about his little brother's tone that made Akiteru stop, 

"Mind your own business." Kei declared with a finality, making Akiteru know that a line has already been drawn around the issue and that he couldn't involve himself any further.

Kei's older brother just sighed in disappointment before remembering what he was really there for, "Ah! 'Kaa-san told me to tell you that dinner is served."

"Just eat without me." Kei said dismissively, not really having much of an appetite after everything that has happened.

He was about to go back to his room until he remembered a little something that annoyed the hell out of him earlier. He looked over his shoulder and told Akiteru about it.

"Aniki,"

"Hmm?" Akiteru turned his attention back to his younger brother rather obliviously, toying with the fork dangling from his mouth while his hands rolled the blanket into a manageable ball.

"What's with you and Yamaguchi earlier, cupping his face like that?"

Hugging the blanket to himself, Akiteru removed the fork from his mouth before answering, "Mmm... Oh, That? But his lips were bleeding... ...did you do that to him?"

Obviously guilty about that matter, Kei sidestepped his older brother's question by pursing his lips before giving his brother a quite intimidating warning,

"He's mine. I don't want you holding him that way."

Not letting his brother have a chance to retort, Kei faced forward again and headed straight to his room. Akiteru-san was left gaping for air like a fish in the middle of the living room, his face turning completely ruddy until he became dizzy from feeling too lightheaded. Just then, he remembered their Kaa-san waiting for them in the dining area and Akiteru was only too eager to run in her direction to tell her,

"Okaa-san!! Just now, Kei said something reeaaaally cool!!!"

"Akiteru, tone it down!"

~~~~~~

Back in his room, Tsukishima was still beating himself up silently in his mind, his heavy head supported by both of his palms as he rested his elbows on his knees while he sat, hunched at the edge of his cluttered bed. He has been in that position for a while now and he has already finished the snacks his mother brought up in his room, not allowing him to starve for the remainder of the night. Only his bedside lampshade provided a circle of illumination to a small portion of the room. Just then, an alarm sounded from his phone. As he turned the alarm off, the time read 10:00 PM and he saw the alarm's label as "Look at your desk."

He approached his desk from across his bed and, switching on his desk light, looked around for some things on his study area. What those things were, Tsukishima had no way of knowing until he chanced upon pieces of paper tucked in the spaces between each of his books that were arranged as an alphabetically organized row on top of his desk.

His itching curiosity getting to him, he randomly pulled out one to read,

_I love Yamaguchi Tadashi, my boyfriend._

He almost laughed, not being able to believe that he could write something as sappy as that one-liner, but what happened earlier was still fresh in his mind so that he gulped instead, still silently asking for forgiveness from his best friend as he stroked Yamaguchi's name that was written on the strip of paper with his very own hand writing. Right now he already knows the gist of what he and Yamaguchi had between them at least, but it was in Tsukki's nature to be skeptic about things, though his skepticism wasn't a helpful asset at some kinds of situations, the middle blocker noted. Though the truth may be ready to strike him right at his face, Tsukki still wanted to make sure by nitpicking at the details until the facts had no holes, making him ease up enough to believe that they're steady and reliable. He shook his head at his hopeless self and, pulling another random piece of paper, he read,

_Sleep, and everything you know today will be gone from your mind tomorrow._

He paused at that since that single statement nailed everything else, spot on. He felt the thudding in his chest start feeling just a little bit harder, harsher, pounding the air out of him with every breath. He had a feeling that it wasn't seldom that he felt like that as he reread the line, again, and again. It was his unvoiced fear. This fear was what was keeping him from sleeping earlier, making his mother worry when he gets out of his room having bags underneath his eyes and looking a shade paler the next day. He was so afraid of getting a shut-eye because he felt like he'd be waking up to live a nightmare the next day.

He doesn't want to forget.

He whispers that to the darkness that surrounds him every night, challenging it, begging it, but somehow, some time in the duration of the night, he wouldn't be aware of when the darkness would finally triumph over him, robbing him of the things that he holds most dear to exile him to a life of oblivion the next day.

The fear was his unconquerable foe, drowning him in despair easily every time he relives it.

With trembling fingers and shaky breaths, he proceeded to read one paper after another, smiling at some and frowning at the others, until he pulled out a particular piece that was larger than the rest. He gently pried it open to look at what was inside it.

_I'm writing this because I know my stupid self won't believe things even though they're written with my own penmanship. Hell, I'm glad and frustrated at the same time... that I know myself too well... All the more reason for me to do this lame shit._

Softly snickering at the insults his own self managed to insert at the start and at the very end, he looked at some more spaces between his books to see if there were any more papers he might have missed. When he found none, he stared at the mug that held all his writing materials and debated whether he should sit down and write a few more notes to entertain himself. Stroking his temple as he remembered his faulty mind, he sat down his desk's chair and decided that he would, not just for Yamaguchi's sake but to cater to his selfishness as well.

Another 30 minutes later, another alarm went off. The label read, "Set alarms again to remember".

He stared at his phone until it automatically blacked out in stand by, his thumb hovering over the screen. Yamaguchi's pained face flashed again on his mind, making his chest constrict as he thought about what to do.

'I can't even take care of him well... Do I even deserve to remember him?' Tsukki heard his guilty conscience upbraiding him. 

With a brisk exhale, he turned off his desk light after debating with himself for a long time; deciding in the end to chuck the pieces of papers including the newly made ones in the waste bin underneath his desk. Next, he put his phone on top of his bedside table, and turned off his lampshade as well. He finally allowed himself some reprieve, not resetting the alarms anymore.

~~~~

 


	8. PLAY BACK X 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 8 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Use music from vid in the hyperlink (first sentence) to feel the sad mood T^T -- or not, lol.
> 
> *Uploading now because life is getting more hectic :")
> 
> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

 

[It was a free period.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XxEEu1b8xs) The teacher left them to self-study their next lesson while he took off in a hurry to the hospital because his wife was about to give birth to their first born. Left in his wake were vivacious hoots and cheers of 'Congratulations sensei!!!' But of course, no real studying happened after. Students just chatted with their friends. Some doodled on the blackboard, made paper planes, and threw balled papers around while others left the classroom to buy food. Others who went out probably wouldn't come back anymore, deliberately cutting classes for the last period of the day that would immediately follow after the current free period that they still had.

All the while, Yamaguchi was very still in his seat, shoulders slumped, head slightly tilted back and stuck with a dazed look on his face, but not for the heady, romantic happenings that he would usually daydream about. He absentmindedly poked the cut at the side of his lower lip with his tongue, not even affected by the sharp sting that followed afterwards. His mind couldn't stop muling about what Chikara Ennoshita-san last said to him.

_"Yamaguchi!" the former pinch server heard the familiar voice of the current captain of Karasuno boy's volleyball team. Chikara-san's gleeful face came into view a few seconds after._

_Recess had just rolled in but Yamaguchi just stayed in his seat, not in the mood to munch on anything at all. It was in the captain's purest intentions to make Yamaguchi just a little bit happier every day by always inviting him to spend his breaks with the team, to make sure he's not left out even more than he already is from all kinds of activities that involved school. Even so, it seems that what Chikara and the others were doing were just not enough to rouse Yamaguchi out of his shell. He's barely functioning without Tsukishima around. It was just then that the volleyball team came to know of just how much Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were stuck at the hip even though the middle blocker was good at making it look like they're not that attached at all to each other._

_At seeing the former jump float server's gray expression, Chikara's own joy slowly dripped off his face like wet paint. His visage slowly took on a worried look as he eventually took notice of the plum colored bruise at one corner of Yamaguchi's mouth._

_"Y-Yamaguchi... That..."_

_As the dreary freckled second year chose to remain mute, the captain just let out a helpless sigh at him._

_"Let me guess," Chikara started but then changed his mind, "No. I don't even need to guess, do I?"_

_Yamaguchi couldn't meet Ennoshita-san's eyes._

_"He did that to you?"_

_The freckled pinch server was silent for awhile. Just when Chikara was about to speak though, thinking that his kouhai didn't have any plans of talking, Yamaguchi beat him to it,_

_"Don't worry. E-Everything's all right."_

_Ennoshita-san stared at Yamaguchi with eyes full of doubt._

_"Are you sure this is nothing you should think about?"_

_Yamaguchi was starting to get the captain's drift, making him shut his eyes tight and massage his temples with one hand in an attempt to keep at bay a headache the pinch server knew would win over him anyway. Yamaguchi avoided 'What ifs' as much as possible, not only because he was scared of them but also because he didn't want to unravel, and he voiced out this fear to the captain, though indirectly,_

_"I... I don't want to t-talk about this..."_

_Worry bothering him even more, the captain started to argue,_

_"He's so harsh to you."_

_"It's all right. I can handle it." Yamaguchi answered with a strained tone._

_"He doesn't remember you as his boyfriend." countered Ennoshita._

_"I'll be there to remind him every day!" The former pinch server's voice was rising._

_Chikara-san tried to make the second year rethink his choices once more, "He isn't even aware that he's in love with you-"_

_"I_ _**love** _ _him!!!" Yamaguchi cried out._

_Losing his bearings, the freckled second year began seeing red as he abruptly stood up, his chair falling with a clatter, and he was yelling at the captain's face the next._

_"Well isn't this just very kind of you?? Pointing out these kinds of things to me as if these haven't been crossing my mind every day?? They're already in my mind even before I wake up, every minute, every second, and at times when I just don't know what to do with myself!! I-! What else do you want from me?! What do you want me to do?!!"_

_Yamaguchi was breathing hard after he finished saying everything, his body on a rigid stance as he was on the verge of crying. His loud emotional outburst caught the attention of everyone else remaining in the classroom, their mindless chatter momentarily being reduced to a somber silence._

_His face stricken, the captain tried to amend his words,_

_"Ah- I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean for my words to come across to you the way they did!! I just meant-! You're always getting hurt... Are you sure that's still love?"_

_At realizing what just happened, Yamaguchi's shoulders slumped as he relaxed, then his back hunched as he was next filled with shame. With his head bowed, unable to look at Chikara's face, he feebly stuttered,_

_"G-Gomen. I- I just need-... I'll just go-... t-to the toilet."_

_Yamaguchi's shoulders inadvertently brushed Ennoshita-san's side on his way out and he felt burned. The jump float server hurried to get away from the classroom, feeling more and more uncomfortable from the stares he was attracting to the captain and himself. The former pinch server couldn't believe he had just let himself lose it like that. Chikara-san was just worried for him. How could he be so ungrateful?_

_When he reached the washroom, the very first thing he did was wash his face. The front of his gakuran got soaked with water but it was still not enough to take Yamaguchi's mind off the hot trails his tears made down his face. He washed his face some more until he got numbed to the sensation of his palm repeatedly rubbing against his skin._

_He took so long that eventually, an occasional male student that came to take a piss became many students, and they entered the washroom more frequently that Yamaguchi started being embarrassed about himself. As soon as the toilet was empty and he was all alone in it again, the freckled second year entered a cubicle and locked himself in it for the rest of lunch period until he managed to stand up and walk without suddenly bursting into tears again._

Class had already been over a long while ago. Yamaguchi walked back to his home trudging like one of the living dead. Removing his shoes by the entrance, he greeted his mother listlessly before he went to his room, mindlessly rid himself of his heavy shoulder bag, loosened the buttons of his gakuran to make him breathe easier, and then flopped on his back down his messy bed.

He has been in this position for quite a long time already, still not changing clothes despite the increasing degree of the discomfort he was feeling-sticky with sweat, feeling hot because he was too lazy to switch the air conditioner on...

He just kept replaying Chikara-san's words to himself and spent dinner doing the same thing tirelessly...

Until he was lying again on his less messy bed, clothes finally changed to his cozy pyjamas.

Actually, Chikara-san wasn't anywhere in the wrong. Maintaining a relationship that was beyond friendship with Tsukki was not an easy feat and Yamaguchi already knew that since the beginning. It wasn't as simple as a walk in the park to have to remind Tsukki that the two of them are boyfriends every other day and every time Yamaguchi 'forgot' or made the wrong move, the freckled high schooler almost always found himself in these kinds of situations...

It wasn't as if last time was the only time where things had gone awry between the two of them.

_Today's visit in particular is different because it wasn't the freckled high schooler reminding the former middle blocker of what they used to be. Rather, it was Tsukishima Kei greeting Yamaguchi Tadashi with the forgotten truth so early in the morning right after the nori haired jump float server made his presence known outside the Tsukishima household's residence and Tsukki's mother invited him inside._

_After early morning greetings and cups of tea were exchanged between Yamaguchi and the other members of Tsukki's family, the two youngsters climbed up the stairs to the former middle blocker's room. It was supposedly to "hang out", but Tsukki closed the door with a muffled sound that somehow rang off with a crisp finality, making Yamaguchi take notice that his best friend was behaving a bit differently._

_A few paces apart and facing each other across the room as they remained standing, Tsukki unceremoniously broached the subject,_

_"Yamaguchi. You're my boyfriend, aren't you?"_

_At hearing Tsukki seriously say those words without a sarcastic comment at the side or a derisive remark in the middle of the sentence, somewhere, Yamaguchi's eyes visibly widened._

_"You... You remember??"_

_Slightly annoyed, Tsukki insisted, "Just answer me. Are you my boyfriend?"_

_Afraid that he'd stumble all over his words, Yamaguchi just nodded wordlessly._

_"Hmm..." Tsukki acknowledged impassively, looking like he's not really that surprised about the fact anymore._

_Feeling his mouth go dry, the nori-haired high schooler stammered, "H-How?..."_

_"I have my own tricks." Yamaguchi's best friend curtly answered, giving his desk a sideways glance before meeting the former pinch server's eyes again, not elaborating on his 'tricks' anymore. That wasn't what Kei wanted to talk about anyway. The former middle blocker wanted to clear up everything as soon as he could before Yamaguchi could misinterpret him._

_"The thing is I remember you, but at the same time I don't."_

_Yamaguchi looked slightly perplexed so Tsukishima explained further, though sounding a bit peeved,_

_"I meant, I came to know that you were my boyfriend, but that's that. I... I didn't remember any of my feelings for you."_

_Yamaguchi didn't know how to react to that, remaining silent so that his best friend felt compelled to rephrase what was last said,_

_"I don't have feelings for you."_

_After Kei said that, it felt as though even the air itself became still. It was so silent that the former middle blocker could hear himself breathe. Not long after, Kei heard a choked sound then looked at Yamaguchi to see him tearing up._

_For what felt like the first time in his life, Tsukishima Kei didn't know what to do and couldn't stop himself from getting tongue tied._

_"D- Y-You- D-D-Don't cry!"_

_Tears fell._

_Kei didn't know why he justified himself but felt like he had to,_

_"I-It's not like we stopped being friends anyway! It's just- I meant-!"_

_"I know..." Yamaguchi said dejectedly, "I know..."_

_"But-!" Kei was about to point out something but one look from Yamaguchi's tear-streaked face and he forgot what he was about to say._

_Once again, though the middle blocker may not recall the previous times he did, he felt conflicted at seeing Yamaguchi like this... sad._

_Ever since Yamaguchi showed up at the front door, all of Tsukishima's carefully constructed plans came flying out the window. Now that Yamaguchi was teary faced like a child in front of him like this, the blonde middle blocker wished he had thought up his words more carefully. Not understanding why he felt so horribly guilty more than he first thought he would, Tsukishima allowed his irrational emotions to lead him by the nose this time._

_"What do you want me to do?"_

_Losing control of himself, Yamaguchi opened his arms, staggered one step after another towards his best friend, until he was running towards Tsukki. The middle blocker, seeing the nori haired high schooler's stance, instinctually parted his arms as well. Soon enough, his arms were vacillating about wrapping around a smaller form as the shorter high schooler hugged him tightly._

_Burying his face on his best friend's chest, the first thing Yamaguchi took note of was the middle blocker's comfortingly familiar scent. Then the warmth of Tsukki's body wrapped around the former pinch server like a protective cocoon, domineeringly taking ahold of all of Yamaguchi's senses. This way, all that the freckled jump float server could hear amidst all the white noise in his mind was his best friend's heartbeat. He could feel it thump gently against his cheek, making him slightly smile, and Yamaguchi moved his head to hear it better. But then, Kei's presence could not protect him from the truth any longer, resounding,_

_**'I don't have feelings for you.'** _

_Breath hitching, Yamaguchi finally snapped from the initial shock as his trembling hands inadvertently clenched the back part of Tsukki's shirt tightly._

_"Do you really- no- it's just- please don't- I..."_

_Only incoherent and unfinished messages left Yamaguchi's lips as he sobbed, unable to repress the tears from falling any longer. There were so many things that he wanted to tell his best friend, but at the same time, there was nothing he could say or even do to express just how much..._

_It's already been so long since he last held Tsukki like this. Feeling the rhythmic movement against his own body as Tsukki breathed, the warmth that seeped through his very pores, and the soft thumping on his best friend's chest where his head was currently resting on, Yamaguchi was very much aware that Tsukishima Kei was alive-so much that it hurt and at the same time he still slightly felt like the fact was incredulous even though he strongly believed it as well._

_He felt so alone._

_Never has he felt lonelier than he did then, as Tsukki gave his back light hesitant pats and just embraced Yamaguchi back silently._

_His grip on the back of his best friend's shirt tightened as he cried, finding it harder to breathe, his fingers going numb._

_The way his best friend talked to him earlier... It was as if Tsukki wanted to break up._

_Is he really going to lose Tsukki this way?_

_He thought he was all right with how everything already was. He thought everything else would be bearable as long as his best friend was alive. As long as he could wake up to another day and be able to visit Tsukki, to see Tsukki be there right in front of him, to talk to him, hear his voice..._

_Tsukki was still there._

_But, everyday... everyday..._ _**It's so hard.** _

_It was so hard to keep his hands to himself every time he was with Tsukki. It was so hard not being able to feel those chiffon strands of hair brush against his skin as he softly raked his fingers across Tsukki's scalp. It was so hard... feeling cold, but not really. Every time, he could only be tantalized by the short distance between them. It looked so bridgeable but Yamaguchi knew enough just how far it really was and how maddeningly easy the mirage made it out to be._

_And every time, his chest ached. His throat felt constricted, the words come out sounding strained as he wanted to tell Tsukki one thing, but Yamaguchi opens his mouth to say something else._

_...something different._

_...something that was far from the truth._

_And even now, as Yamaguchi had Tsukki trapped in his arms, all to himself, he hurts._

_Once again he opened his mouth to say words that almost sounded like the truth, but what he really wanted to say was 'I love you.'_

_As Kei felt his shirt get wet, he felt that nudge of annoyance at one side of his mind, but there was one thing that couldn't make him fully feel that nudge of annoyance that came upon him._

_..._

_His impatience._

_'When is this going to end?'_

_..._

_His annoyance._

_'That better not be snot on my shirt.'_

_..._

_The repugnance he felt._

_'Are friends supposed to do this kind of thing?'_

_..._

_His heart._

_It numbed everything else._

_There was just so many things he couldn't understand, including the sentences Yamaguchi would start and never finish as the freckled high schooler sobbed and cried while the two of them embraced._

_The only intelligible thing he could hear Yamaguchi utter and sometimes mumble was,_

_"I miss you, Tsukki! I miss you!! I miss you so much, Tsukki!!"_

_It was working its way through that jarring noise that was currently playing in Tsukki's mind. It seemed as if it was dissolving something, melting something... Each time Yamaguchi utters that phrase, it felt as if it was tearing down walls, until each choked sob, each pathetic sniffling, each time the pinch server's grip on his clothes tightened and loosened... every minimal action started to affect Tsukishima Kei._

_At first it was just that odd throb his heart made, and then he was feeling dissatisfied. About what? He had no way of knowing. Every sorrowful sound Yamaguchi made, even the faintest whimper, grated on his ears. But the middle blocker knew he wasn't irritated because of the sounds themselves. It was something else. The longer they stood like that, the more Tsukki became aware that he was missing the big picture. He was frustrated but at the same time, he also didn't know what he should do._

_It's like that sensation of having a word at the tip of your tongue, but still, you couldn't articulate it._

_Trying to organize his jumbled feelings only confused him even more._

_From his stolid countenance and stiff form as he dwelled on his thoughts, Kei opted to rest his cheek on Yamaguchi's mop of nori hued, silky hair. The scent of his best friend's head strangely soothed him as he mulled, resorting to absentmindedly stroking Yamaguchi's dark olive hair softly and making his pats fall more gently on the sobbing pinch server's back._

_When Yamaguchi calmed down and composed himself, the next thing he did was to apologize profusely to Tsukki, brushing the whole thing off as being 'carried away'. Kei just didn't say anything else about it, not having the energy to argue anymore since the middle blocker knew for himself that he couldn't be fooled by such a poorly made excuse anyway. But before he could do anything about it, Yamaguchi, who was still very much embarrassed, had already excused himself and made his way out of Tsukki's bedroom door. Not really knowing how else to alleviate the awkward aftereffects of what just happened, Tsukki just let the freckled high schooler be, not bothering to see him off any longer._

_..._

_Later that night, though the strawberry-loving teenager was deliciously sated with the sumptuous meal his mother just seemingly whipped from scratch, deep inside he wasn't feeling any better. Even as he gorged himself up with food, the flavors weren't strong enough to take his attention off of his thoughts which were just getting more complex the more he dwelled on them._

_As he settled on the carpeted portion of the floor near his bed, absentmindedly flipping the pages of a random magazine on his coffee table, his head now felt heavy as if a jack hammer was thudding inside all along. The feeling in his chest was also similar, though the jack hammer needed to be replaced with something else... maybe a chainsaw or something related to that..._

_An alarm chirped out of the blue, finally saving the former middle blocker from his self-imposed suffering, leading him to the secrets that his innocuous looking books craftily hid._

_After the revelations, Kei didn't know which was better... or worse... Was it the way he felt before, or the way he felt now?_

_It wasn't because of the paper strips, though they did become one of the reasons that led to it. But all the same..._

_Tsukki remembered. It wasn't all that clear so it may not even be reliable and it wasn't a romantic memory, but he remembered,_

_**The tips of his fingers were cold. The side of his face was sticky with this oozing warmth. The metaphoric needles were ticklish underneath the sheer surface of his cheeks. A breeze came by and if your nose was sensitive enough, the incoming rain could be smelt as it ever softly blew past the youngsters' figures, lying haphazardly on the shoulder of the road as if they were rag dolls carelessly thrown. The buzzes of voices around them made him aware that bystanders have started to gather.** _

_**Everything else was just a chaotic mass of dark shades and details that were blurred over.** _

_**One particular shade stood out to him from the rest. It was this deep, almost maroon, wine red, as it carried along with it that sharp, rusty scent. And amidst all the chattering voices, the single sound that stood out most to him was the softest, breathy weeping.** _

_**Some sniffling.** _

_**Then feather-like touches as fingers ever delicately coursed a shaky path down the side of his face that wasn't stickily moist.** _

_**It was a comfort that he could still feel that though he couldn't feel the rest of his body.** _

_**Though the asphalt road was cold and rough and damp, he felt so comfortable (maybe even safe) with that hand that was delicately caressing him; he wouldn't mind falling asleep, lying down right where he is.** _

_**But he didn't want weeping to accompany his sleeping.** _

_**It was time he told the other to stop that.** _

_**"Yamaguchi," he tried to talk but even moving his jaw was getting hard,** _

_**'Don't cry.' was what he wanted to say, but couldn't.** _

_**Because everything was composed of these clumps of dark shades that were getting darker by the minute, for him, there really almost weren't any distinction between keeping his eyes open and closing them.** _

_**He let his lids drift shut.** _

_**He shouldn't have.** _

_**He heard the most desperate, almost inaudible, panicked tone.** _

_**'Open...'** _

_**'...eyes...'** _

_**'...don't-!'** _

_**A sharp breath, then the rest were drowned out by choked gurgles.** _

_His eyes were already bloodshot and hurting, but it seems the former middle blocker still hadn't cried enough._

_And by asking which state he was in previously was worse, the before or the after, Tsukishima Kei felt nauseated at what he just did earlier that day; how insensitive he had been, the things he said to Yamaguchi..._

_All the lights in his room being off were already enough to fool his mother into thinking that he was already deep asleep, because he couldn't sleep with the lights on. He was one for obtaining maximum comfort when settling down for bed, so he leaves the lights off._

_But Tsukki was wide awake, on his side, pressing the power button of his phone once, then again, occasionally letting a blinding light blink brightly on his face, and then immediately die down... blink brightly, then die down again._

_His eyes were dry, but they were swollen and aching, heavy eyelids silently begging for slumber. He considered experimenting with the random sequence of numerals that popped up in his head that day, sometime after he just woke up. He typed the number on his phone and on the message box, the cursor blinked for a few seconds, not producing characters of any sort. Before he could think too deeply on it, Tsukki typed 'Hello.' and sent it to the random number. Afterwards, he berated himself about the lame act he just committed. Only then did he realize just how childish he was, how he couldn't have composed something better to say, or how he was going to own up to the consequences._

_It was a full five minutes before a reply finally came. The vibration almost jolted the blonde middle blocker off the bed. He was thankful that no one was watching him at the moment... at least not one related to supernatural beings._

_The message read,_

_"Tsukki? Why are you still up?"_

_Just from reading the first word of the message, Kei already knew who it was and did not find it necessary to verify further. He definitely knew only one person who called him that... Well, only one he allowed to, at least._

_As an afterthought, he found the next words of his best friend's message funny. Look who just opened a can of worms. But he cut to the chase without further ado,_

_"Yamaguchi, come visit again tomorrow. I'll be waiting."_

_Tsukki sent it without a second look, hoping he emphasized enough what he wanted._

_Not even two minutes have passed and the middle blocker was already getting impatient. He sent a second message,_

_"Answer me."_

_A full minute passed. A ringtone that sounded as though the middle blocker hasn't heard it for quite some time brought him his much sought after reply,_

_"I will."_

_Those two words set Tsukki's decision. Using the light from his phone to guide him where he wanted to go, the middle blocker pushed his used clothes in the half a centimeter space underneath his door, making sure that the whole line of space was covered so that no light could shine through on the other side._

_For the next few hours that ticked, Tsukki distracted himself, doodling fossils on his study table with the illumination of a desk lamp, playing video games on mute, crunches on the floor though he was already out of breath before he could even complete the fifth sit up... He eventually lied down on the bed and just listened to his music on full volume, but the soft comforter was so treacherous, tempting him to succumb to oblivion that he ended up chucking it off the bed and sitting up, leaning on the wooden headboard to scour through the apps on his phone instead._

_Kei remembered Yamaguchi's face, his jaw tightening._

_He isn't going to be defeated tonight._

_~~~~_


	9. PLAY BACKWARD X 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 9 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to be my exams next week so...  
> T^T uploading whenever...
> 
> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

_~~~~~~_

 

_"........_

_"...tarsals... metatarsals..."_

_Tok-tok!_

_"...tibia, fibula..."_

_Tok-tok-tok!_

_"...patella—"_

_The scraping sound made by a constrained opening of his bedroom door snapped Tsukki out of his trance as he compared his dinosaur models to an anatomical model of a human skeleton. Leaving his desk with a jumpstart, his chair toppled as he hurried to kick his used clothes away from the space underneath his door before yanking it open, beholding—_

_"Yamaguchi~_

_"You're my boyfriend~ ...right??"_

_The way the former middle blocker greeted his best friend by the door, it was with this almost too good to be true dreamy demeanor and tone. Hearing the same question from yesterday, though asked in a somewhat weird tone, made the former pinch server's spine become rigid with this leaden dread, but Yamaguchi manned up and braced himself instead as he took in the state his best friend was in._

_"...Y-Yes." The jump float server weakly replied as Tsukki impatiently pulled him inside the room with one arm and closed the door shut with the other._

_Some seconds passed where Yamaguchi was just noiselessly trapped in between the door and his best friend's arms. The way Tsukki gazed at Yamaguchi was just so intense that the latter wasn't aware that he dropped the notebook he was holding. Ignoring the barely audible thump it made on the floor, Tsukishima mimicked the pinch server childishly, mocking Yamaguchi in this almost musical, singsong manner,_

_"'Y-Yes', what's with your answer, 'Y-Yes'~"_

_"Tsukki—"_

_The middle blocker fell onto his best friend heavily, teasing Yamaguchi again, though breathily,_

_"Y-Yes~?"_

_Laughing a bit breathlessly, Kei spoke again, not giving the other a chance to speak,_

_"Are you trying to seduce me? 'Y-Yes'~"_

_Either from embarrassment or a little irritation at his best friend too— maybe even both, Yamaguchi's retort to all of Tsukki's childish taunting was only a heavy blush._

_The former pinch server struggled to keep Tsukki upright._

_From all his blonde haired best friend's antics, the freckled jump float server couldn't help thinking that his best friend may be drunk, but Yamaguchi heavily debated that. Tsukki was not one for alcoholic drinks... He disliked bitter things..._

_Besides, they were underage so why'd he even waste his energy thinking about all of that?_

_But Tsukki was just acting really weird so Yamaguchi guessed that it just couldn't be helped?_

_Yamaguchi mentally shook off the thoughts at seeing just how ridiculous his train of thinking had become. As the pinch server tried to half stagger and half drag his best friend to the bed, Kei pushed away from him, groggily talking to him,_

_"You're my boyfriend, right~?_

_"If you're my boyfriend, then you should answer more clearly, like this,_

_'Yes, I'm your boyfriend.'_

_"Ne~ Try after me,_

_'Yes, I'm your boyfriend~'"_

_Still not stopping to lead his seemingly intoxicated best friend to the direction of the bed, Yamaguchi just humored the middle blocker this time as the freckled teenager mindlessly answered,_

_"Hai, hai. Now let's lie down."_

_"No, no~!" The chiffon haired middle blocker writhed away from Yamaguchi's grasp, "Say it clearer. Clearer and louder! Say it so that– even people like... like that cute girl outside could hear~!"_

_Tsukki pointed to the direction of the window and then, before Yamaguchi could stop his best friend from doing it, Kei had run unsteadily to the glass windows of his room and slid them open, shouting to the young middle school student obliviously walking outside,_

_"Ne~ Imouto!!! Mitte, mitte—!"_

_Yamaguchi followed after Tsukki belatedly, face starting to become pink at what the middle blocker was trying to pull off. Just in time, as the freckled pinch server reached his best friend's side to stop Kei's further impulsive actions, the lanky teenager pulled Yamaguchi by his collar to "show" the little sister outside,_

_"THIS GUY'S MY BOYFRIEND!!!"_

_At hearing two boys having that kind of relationship so early in the morning, the middle schooler's sole response was to bow again and again as she blushed a bright red. Yamaguchi tried to stop Tsukki and reached up to cover his best friend's mouth, but Kei would have none of it and rephrased the yelled sentence instead._

_"YAMAGUCHI TADASHII!! THIS GUY!!! HE'S MY BOYFRIEND ALL RIGHT??!" ORAY— MMMPH?! Mmmphh!! Mnnn..."_

_It must have taken the poor little girl outside a few more consecutive bows before she scampered off to the direction of her gakuen, shaken with her face as bright as crimson flames. By standing on his toes for as long as it took, Yamaguchi finally managed to stifle his best friend's embarrassing, albeit bold declarations so early in the morning._

_Slamming the windows shut so hard that he could have broken them, Yamaguchi then proceeded to drag his best friend more forcefully to the bed._

_"Whyy??~"_

_"You're bothering the neighbors!" the pinch server retorted in a strained whisper._

_"But Tadashiii~ Why?"_

_Feeling his face heat up more as Tsukki called him by his given name, Yamaguchi tried not to let it get to his head as he dragged his best friend to the bed._

_"...What did I do wrong?~"_

_Tsukki tried again, this time obliviously using a really 'ero-ero' tone but, though the former pinch server blushed darker, Yamaguchi just continued dragging him unwaveringly._

_"A-Are you ashamed of me?" The former middle blocker forlornly sobbed._

_Tsukki then wrapped his lean arms around his smaller loved one and started to suck dark hickeys on Yamaguchi's smooth, slender neck, softly uttering the pinch server's first name with each hard, ticklish suction._

_"S-Stop—"_

_"Tadashi..."_

_"...hhh Yamerou—! Tsukki!!"_

_Having been able to push Tsukishima Kei to keep him from lavishing the freckled teenager's neck with love bites, all it took Yamaguchi was one push so that his best friend would land with a muffled puff on the bed, pillows and sheets in complete disarray._

_Landing on the bed with his arms above his head, Tsukki positioned his head to the side and gave Yamaguchi this coy look and tantalizing smile. Right when Yamaguchi felt this painful throb in his chest, he knew that his best friend was seducing him. But remembering what happened yesterday, he kept a lid on his temptations as Yamaguchi tried hard not to be carried away by his emotions this time. Instead, the jump float server pulled on a portion of a blanket and covered Tsukishima's upper body with it, telling him,_

_"You just need to sleep it all off."_

_Not even a second passed yet Yamaguchi was hearing a firm answer already,_

_"No."_

_Though his best friend said it so quietly, Yamaguchi could feel Tsukki's conviction from his words. Seeing the chiffon haired middle blocker trying to sit upright, the olive haired pinch server tried to convince his best friend again._

_"But you really need to just lie down, Tsukki." Yamaguchi argued as he pushed his best friend to recline, "You can barely stand straight on your feet."_

_Again,_

_"No."_

_"But Tsukki—"_

_With a prelude of a gentle embrace, their lips meld against each other in a tender kiss as they both fell on the bed, fitting so perfectly, meshing so passionately and softly, making Yamaguchi's heart painfully, yet pleasurably squeeze in his chest as he relished the sweetest kiss yet that he received from Tsukki._

_As they slowly parted to look lovingly at each other, Yamaguchi's eyes shining with unshed tears, all mirth and mischief was gone in Tsukki's eyes. Only persistent supplication as he slightly smiled and uttered words meant only for Yamaguchi's ears,_

_"Don't go."_

_Momentarily stunned as he felt his heart almost jump out of his throat, Yamaguchi struggled to push himself up and leave Tsukki in the bed. But before he could fully extricate himself, Kei got ahold of his waist and embraced the pinch server to himself, leaving his freckled best friend with no choice but to stay with Tsukishima Kei on his bed._

_Knowing just how stubborn his best friend could be (and a little happy inside that where that was concerned, nothing much has really changed), the jump float server tried tackling the matter using a different tactic._

_Well... He really wanted to ask his best friend about it too, anyway..._

_"Tsukki, y-your eyes..."_

_"What of it?" Kei quipped dismissively but considered the topic again at the sight of Yamaguchi's worried expression, "Do they look that bad?"_

_"N-No. Not so bad, but... they are a bit on the puffy side."_

_"Hnnn... Are they?" Tsukki lightly retorted, looking a bit impatient as Yamaguchi was aware that his best friend thought there's something else more interesting that they could have been doing right now. Yamaguchi's ears turned red as the thought popped up in his head but immediately shooed the indecent images away. He really wanted to know what everything was about right now... Especially starting with last night._

_Tsukki could barely remember Yamaguchi's new phone number._

_"Tsukki, what did you do last night?" The freckled pinch server gambled to ask as he adjusted himself to lie down on the bed beside Tsukki instead of being on top of the middle blocker._

_At that, a mischievous grin was back on Kei's face. He turned on his side to face his freckled best friend with this excited expression masked by seductively hooded eyes, telling Yamaguchi,_

_"That was what I wanted you and I to talk about. Try guessing~"_

_'Hnn... So he wants to play that game...' the nori haired high schooler thought._

_An image of a wild cat's flicking tail flashed in Yamaguchi's mind's eye before he dusted the silly thought off and started with what was the most obvious._

_"Well... You stayed up last night and texted me."_

_"Yes."_

_But that simple answer from Tsukki seemed as if that wasn't really the whole truth that Yamaguchi was decided on uncovering, so the pinch server looked around Tsukki's room for more clues and guessed again._

_"...You played games."_

_"Yes. Yes, that I did."_

_"Ummm... D-Did you study?" Yamaguchi shyly asked as his eyes scoured Tsukki's cluttered desk._

_A stifled snicker was heard before Tsukishima was soundly refuting his answer,_

_"No! What'd I study for? I don't go to school anymore, remember?"_

_Yamaguchi slightly blanched, to which Tsukki only shook his head at his best friend and teased the pinch server some more by clicking his tongue deliberately slowly. Yamaguchi upbraided himself in his mind as this way, it looked like the person who was amnesiac was the pinch server instead of it being the other way around._

_"...See, I was just appreciating your gifts," Tsukki elaborated as Yamaguchi noticed on his best friend's desk that indeed, there were those dinosaur models he gave his best friend for presents resting innocuously on top of Tsukki's table, "I rarely touch them." Tsukki added._

_Flushing a little bit in shame, Yamaguchi tried again,_

_"But last night, you stayed up—"_

_..._

**_Last night_ **

_"...Tsukki, don't tell me."_

_His chick haired best friend let out some chuckles._

_Feeling his face become a little cold, Yamaguchi stammered, "Y-You didn't—"_

_Before the former pinch server could finish, he was cut off by his best friend's full on out, loud laughter._

_"Y'See, I was successful, right?? Now, look—"_

_Though its duration was short, Tsukki made sure that the yet another deep kiss he gave Yamaguchi out of the blue was not only the toe-curling type but also the bone searing one._

_Leaving Yamaguchi's lips with a 'pop', Tsukki gave the pinch server this really toothy grin before lying back down on the bed and laughing breathily, still looking expectantly at Yamaguchi's face._

_Still stunned, Yamaguchi took too long to say anything that Tsukki succumbed to the fatigue, but only for a moment. Before he could drift off any further, Tsukki opened his eyes with an alarmed gasp, and then, seeing Yamaguchi still before him (or did Yamaguchi just got on the bed before he did?), Tsukki laughed nervously and gave Yamaguchi this uncharacteristic pinch on the cheek before splaying his fingers open to let his hand remain spread on Yamaguchi's cheek._

_For some unknown reason, Tsukki spoke a bit breathlessly as he laughed in intervals, "Were on the bed,"_

_The middle blocker laughed some more, though weakly, and then spoke,  sounding quite uncertainly, "Yamaguchi... We're boyfriends... right?"_

_The tears that receded earlier came back to blur the edges of Yamaguchi's vision again, as he responded with a quavering, barely audible voice, "Yes... Yes, I'm your boyfriend."_

_Tsukki's face twisted into dissatisfaction as he desperately confronted Yamaguchi about his response, pushing himself off his side on the bed and trapped the pinch server in his arms again as he loomed over Yamaguchi, "What's with that?? ARE YOU ASHAMED OF ME??!"_

_A tear slipped from one of Yamaguchi's eyes as he gulped and was only able to manage gasping, "No."_

_"Then say it more clearly!" Tsukki urged Yamaguchi to follow after him as if he was crazed, "Say it louder! Be proud of me and say I'm your boyfriend, Tadashi!!!"_

_Mustering some strength, Yamaguchi said in conversational volume,_

_"You're my boyfriend, Tsukki."_

_"AGAIN!! Say it AGAIN!!"_

_"You're MY BOYFRIEND, Tsukki!"_

_"LOUDER!!! I told you to say it—!"_

_Composure inevitably snapping, Yamaguchi caved in,_

_"YOU'RE MY BOYFRIEND!!! I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND, TSUKKI!!! WE'RE BOYFRIENDS, TSUKKI!!!_

_"I'M YOur... Hhu... uuu..."_

_Feeling trapped and helpless, Tsukki had no more syrup left and let his signature irritation start its streak._

_"What's with you??!_

_"I remembered you!! Today!! Without the help of that– that thing!!!"_

_Tsukki referred to the notebook with such distaste. Both of them eyed the forgotten object parted open by the side of the door._

_Feeling himself starting to tear up, Tsukki continued, "Last night, I didn't slack off... Not even for a minute... I thought, if I did... If I did—"_

_Tsukki let out a choked cry, "...you'd be_ **_happy_ ** _."_

_Yamaguchi couldn't repress his tears any longer._

_"I thought you'd be happy..._ **_So why aren't you?_ ** _"_

_"I am happy! ...I am—" Yamaguchi answered him with a quavering voice, but his breath hitched, and he became a sobbing mess._

_Yamaguchi parted his arms in a wordless invitation for a hug, but just as Tsukishima thought of what he should do, he blinked and shook his head as if he had just snapped awake from being in an illusion. But then he saw Yamaguchi's blotchy face, and an expression looking as if he had just recollected something flitted on his countenance before it was gone the next, then the middle blocker was falling of his own accord to be ensconced in Yamaguchi's warm embrace._

_"Yamaguchi," Tsukishima tenderly whispered on Yamaguchi's ear as the middle blocker settled his head on the hollow of the freckled pinch server's neck._

_"Nnn?"_

_"You're my boyfriend?" Kei meant it as a statement, but it came off like a question instead._

_Finding no more strength in him to speak coherent sentences, Yamaguchi just nodded tearfully, "Uhn."_

_"You're my boyfriend." The chiffon haired middle blocker repeated again, but sounded like he did so to reassure himself instead of smoothing out things._

_Letting himself be led by pure instincts, he gave his freckled best friend a tender, chaste kiss on the cheek and then went to soothe himself by taking a deep whiff of Yamaguchi's scent as the middle blocker relaxed and settled more fully into the olive haired pinch server's hug._

_"...That's why it's so easy to hold you like this," Kei added as an afterthought, "Even though my logic goes down in shambles every time I touch you like this."_

_Softly nuzzling the crook of Yamaguchi's neck, Tsukki sucked another hickey at the spot just under the back part of the jump float server's ear. Tears silently fell at the sides of Tadashi's face as he closed his eyes and reached for Tsukki's hair, letting his fingers softly scrape the middle blocker's scalp as the freckled high schooler gently stroked his best friend's head._

_'Yes...' the jump float server thought,_

_'Just like this,_

_'please fall asleep.'_

_But the jump float server should have known that things do not really go his way._

_Settling onto his side on the bed again, Tsukki cupped his best friend's face and guided the other to look at him._

_"Tadashi,"_

_At hearing Tsukki utter Yamaguchi's first name the way he did, the pinch server's senses have suddenly sharpened, all of his attention immediately focusing on only one point, that point being the person right in front of his face._

_"Promise me one thing," Tsukki continued, his voice lessening to almost that of a whisper._

_His proximity to Yamaguchi was so near so that his breath tickled the pinch server's face every time the blonde middle blocker spoke. Palm still cupping Yamaguchi's cheek, Kei's fingers tenderly moved to wipe tears that have yet to trace their way down Yamaguchi's freckled visage._

_"Don't break down in front of me like that again."_

_Forehead crinkling a little, Yamaguchi opened his mouth to say something but Tsukki yet again beat him to speaking,_

_"Especially yesterday... Seeing you cry like that..._

_"Back then, I didn't really understand why, but for the life of me, I felt like I'd rather slit my own throat than to see you fall apart right in front of me like that."_

_At what Tsukki had just told him, Yamaguchi helplessly forgot what he was about to say. "S-S... T-Th..at—"_

_"So," the middle blocker spoke over the speechless pinch server, "Promise me." As Tsukki was speaking, he was looking at nothing but Yamaguchi's lips all along. Licking his lips, Kei rubbed the freckled high schooler's lower lip with his thumb as he told the other, "...don't you know what you do to me?"_

_Just us Tsukki's face was slowly leaning towards Yamaguchi's to score another kiss, the jump float server forcefully pushed the other to lie back down on the bed again while he sat up, trying to calm his heart even though he was too flustered to do so as he followed his best friend's request,_

_"...Okay... Okay, I promise. So please go to sleep now."_

_"Tch. Killjoy."_

_Yamaguchi just chuckled as he saw a childish side of his friend again when Tsukishima pouted about the kiss that didn't happen. Instead, the jump float server just brushed it off as,_

_"If you keep this up, your eyes will get worse."_

_Still sulking, Kei irritatedly thought that he didn't really give a damn about it anymore, whether it's his eyes' puffiness or his sight that was in concern._

_"What are you..." Tsukki spoke, frustration just at the edge of his tone, "We've only just met up today, but you want me off your hide already?"_

_"It's not like that," Yamaguchi countered as he left the side of Tsukki's bed._

_Though he sounded quite alarmed, Kei petulantly asked the former pinch server, "Oi sourpuss, where are you going?? I don't remember allowing you to go."_

_Laughing at Kei's tone, Yamaguchi returned to Tsukki's side as he told the other, "I'm not a sourpuss. I wasn't going anywhere in the first place. I just got myself this book here to entertain myself in the meantime."_

_Yamaguchi even made it a point to show the book to Tsukki before taking a chair to sit on as he settled in Tsukki's bedside, as if to prove his innocence._

_Even though Kei just gave the pinch server a sulky glare in return, Yamaguchi could already tell what his best friend may be thinking,_

_'If you weren't such a sourpuss, we could be doing something else that could entertain us both right now!'_

_Choosing to remain firm in the face of temptation, Yamaguchi just left his seat once again to make Tsukki lie more properly on the bed, sliding the fluffy bedroom slippers off Tsukki's feet and readjusting the sheets to cover the tall middle blocker's whole body as he told his best friend with a strict tone,_

_"Close your eyes now. I'll stay with you until you fall asleep."_

_Tsukki shook his head as he clicked his tongue, retorting, "Only until I fall asleep?"_

_Deciding to humor his best friend, Yamaguchi clarified what he meant with another light chuckle, "I'll still be here when you wake up."_

_Seemingly content with the former pinch server's answer, Tsukki settled more comfortably on the bed, but he remained staring at Yamaguchi as the freckled high schooler read._

_Feeling uncomfortable with Kei's staring, Yamaguchi put the book down and then noticed that Tsukki was still wearing his glasses, so the jump float server stood up to remove his best friend's glasses._

_Kei was stubborn and restrained Yamaguchi's hands though, telling his freckled best friend instead, "Join me on the bed."_

_Giving up, Yamaguchi just sighed and gave Tsukki this scolding look. Then Yamaguchi stepped up to turn what happened into a deal instead._

_"If I lie down with you, will you close your eyes and finally sleep?"_

_Tsukki remained silent but Yamaguchi went ahead and made a space for himself on the bed anyway._

_Kei gazed at Yamaguchi's face so seriously as the pinch server finally managed to pull away the glasses from Tsukki's face._

_Massaging the marks the glasses made on Tsukki's nose for being worn for so long, Yamaguchi told his best friend,_

_"Now, close your eyes."_

_But he was met with a noticeable blank interval in time, as if Tsukki had just woken up, before the middle blocker tentatively spoke,_

_"..._

_".....Yamaguchi?"_  

_"Yes?"_

_"...Right. You're my boyfriend. This much should be okay..."_

_Yamaguchi watched Tsukki blink sleepily. To the pinch server, the act happened as though it was in slow motion as he watched those long lashes fall and rise again. Then he noticed the turbulence of emotions in Tsukki's amber irises, even though Yamaguchi was so sure that his chiffon haired best friend could only see his figure as a mix of blotchy shades right now..._

_Yet again, Tsukki softly spoke, sounding like those children repeatedly saying goodnight to their mothers until they naturally get tired and fall asleep._

_"Back then, even though you were suffering so much, you still kept on telling me to 'Keep my eyes open'."_

_Tsukki raised a hand from under the sheets to tenderly stroke a shocked expression that he couldn't clearly see._

_"It's funny how you're telling me to do the opposite now..."_

_Not waiting for a response anymore, Tsukki positioned his head under the pinch server's chin as he fell into a fitful sleep embracing Yamaguchi, leaving the unsaid continuation hanging dismally in the air._

**_'You do know what will happen once I close my eyes, don't you?'_ **

_~~~_

_After a good long nap, Tsukishima was back to normal and Tadashi went home with another bruise on his face._

_'It's all right. I prepared myself.' Tadashi kept thinking to himself._

_...or rather, kept fooling himself._

_The words have hit their marks._

_And they hurt._

_~~~~_


	10. SEEK +05 (3:41:15)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 10 T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

 

~~~~~~~

 

Yamaguchi Tadashi has never experienced anything so immersive until now.

He even felt ticklish as his eyelids parted open to make him behold the scene from where he was sitting at the time.

His nose slightly ached, and he could taste salt, like that telltale sign making you aware that you're at the verge of tears, and you'd have to be careful if you don't want to make an embarrassment of yourself at the moment.

Actually, Tadashi was just smelling dew. Fresh from the grass.

It was a night so deep, he could see the sky become a little bit of this peculiar shade of dark blue. 

He was sitting in the middle of a grass field where the grass grew just a little bit higher than ankle level.

And where the sky was illuminated by billions of pinpricks of light made by stars up above, down below the grass blades were bowed by the weights of hundreds of thousands of fireflies, blinking on and off like a fine dusting of gold on a carpet of lush greenery, so that his surroundings wasn't actually that dark even though the freckled teenager couldn't find the moon.

But Tadashi was not alone.

For right in front of him, Tsukishima Kei was sitting as well with his eyes relaxedly closed, so that in the end, it was actually the two of them sitting in the middle of a grass field right in the youth of the night, illuminated by nothing but the stars and the fireflies.

 

...

 

'Pffft!'

Now that he thought of it, Tadashi found it funny... the relationship between his Tsukki and this place...

When he reconsidered everything in place, in the end, it came off like this,

'Tsukishima Kei (hotaru) sitting in the middle of a firefly (hotaru) field.'

'In a hotaru (kei) field, there's Kei (hotaru)'

'My Kei and kei (firefly).'

The more the thought solidified in Tadashi's brain, the more he found it hard to repress his laughter, even though he didn't want to disturb such a solemn place.

He ended up in a curled position, making as little noise as he could while he shook, even though it left him in stitches.

Looking from an objective point of view though, there wasn't really anything laughter-inducing about it. It couldn't even pass for a lame joke even if Tadashi tried, and so did Tsukki remain unmoving in his sitting position with his eyes still closed even though Tadashi was making an idiot of himself at a fast rate.

Tadashi never failed to take note of this and started questioning whether Tsukki really was just resting his eyes or was already sleeping in front of Tadashi. He's never seen a countenance so peaceful as he'd seen on Tsukki now... 

Look at that face;

His golden fringe framed it so perfectly...

Supple skin lightly blushing with health...

Long lashes that delicately casted shadows on his cheeks...

So peaceful and undisturbed, like that

He looks like a child...

The more Tadashi looked at that serene face, the more he felt like he could watch Tsukki like that forever.

He could stay like this forever.

Tadashi wished he could,

 

forever.

 

But somehow, ever so subtly it was almost completely imperceptible, that serene expression was slowly looking like a stern one to Tadashi. The shadows were so faint, but there really looked like a furrow on Tsukki's flaxen brows now.

What about his mouth? 

It was still a healthy looking light rose with an alluring bow, but Tadashi wasn't so sure now if it really contained a slight smile before or if it had always been straight and neutral like this. The corners never really looked that upturned...

Then, like velveteen curtains, blood that was so dark red it was almost maroon spread down one side of Tsukki's face, staining his fringe a crimson shade as well. The vibrant shade of blood was so stark against the paleness of Tsukki's complexion, he looked like he was quickly fading as a background in contrast to it. 

Like crooked rivulets, they continued their path down his jaw, and his chin, then,

_'plip - plop'_

It wasn't that audible but Tadashi still heard the sound so distinctly. That of a liquid falling and soaking cloth.

They dropped and bloomed dark flowers on Tsukki's shirt. 

Suddenly, Tsukki's eyes opened and he called out,

 

**"Yamaguchi,"**

 

The pinch server woke up with a start on his bed, forehead beaded with cold sweat.

" _...Yume?_ " the jump float server panted.

The dream was still vivid in Yamaguchi's mind as he struggled to catch his breath while he sat up, reaching for the glass of water on his bedside table to moisten his parched throat.

The last scene played on a loop in his mind and the more the freckled teenager recalled what happened in the dream, the more he felt unnerved.

When the Tsukki in the dream awakened, his eyes were... not really glassy but it did look soulless...

Like they were... dead.

Yamaguchi could only see his reflection on those eyes... It was sparkless and completely lifeless.

And his voice... When he spoke, Yamaguchi heard it differently.

In a sense it would be different, since Tsukki was in a dream. Now, the freckled boy couldn't be so sure, but it could have been airy and echo-y.

But what Yamaguchi really meant was that when Tsukki opened his mouth to speak, the voice that came out sounded as if it was from another time.

The accident flashed briefly in the former pinch server's mind, making him pale.

It was from that time.

Yamaguchi started quaking uncontrollably before he silenced his sobs with his hands, crying for the nth time that day. 

Nobody could be fooled. It was apparent that the incident still haunted Yamaguchi and he never stopped blaming himself for it.

If only he had been more vigilant that day,

If only he had been stronger,

Maybe he could have protected Tsukki.

If only he could set things right, he wouldn't let Tsukki take most of the brunt of the accident by himself;

Not in the least!

If he could, he would even change positions with Tsukki!

Just so he could live the dreams that he dreamt!

...Even play all the volleyball that he wanted, as childish as that sounds.

Yamaguchi remembered the day Tsukki's hahaue told him she was glad that he's all right-

**It was the worst.**

He could never be happy, no matter how he tried, living a life that Tsukki could have been living right now.

It was a life he stole from Tsukki!!!

...And even if Tsukki were to tell him otherwise now; tell him how silly he's being right now, Yamaguchi couldn't turn his thoughts around.

Not by himself.

Even though he had intrinsic good qualities of his own, it had always been Tsukki after all, who makes him be aware of all the good in him...

...That he actually has something of his own to be proud of after all, so he should chin up and have more confidence in himself.

But right now, Tsukki isn't around to beat some sense back into him, quietly yet firmly.

He couldn't expect that from Tsukki now. It's time the pinch server carried his own weight.

And as Yamaguchi thought that and went to steel himself, his chest only started hurting more, reminding him just how much he had truly been missing Tsukki, not just as his boyfriend, but also as his best friend who saw him for himself... for who he was and could be...

The freckled high schooler chuckled wryly as he realized that there he goes... being wimpy as always...

Whenever Tsukki and him were always together, sometimes the pinch server couldn't shake off the feeling that Tsukki always had to overcompensate to make things be all right for the two of them.

To improve the situation to make it accommodate both of them, it seemed that Tsukki always had to work double time...

Yamaguchi hated that part of himself the most.

Even though he wanted to be able to do something too...

How could he possibly do something _NOW?!!_

Like that, Yamaguchi felt like he had always been a burden.

Yamaguchi dryly laughed to himself again.

A burden...

_They were on the school roof when Tsukki confronted him about it._

_"Yamaguchi,"_

_The person in concern was bent over, supporting himself with his hands on his knees as he struggled to catch his breath, unable to meet the eyes of the other person who was speaking to him._

_"Why were you avoiding me?" Tsukki continued, "You've been running away from me all day." he added breathlessly, gingerly wiping his sweaty forehead with the sleeve of his uniform as he labored to catch his breath as well._

_Yamaguchi stole a glance at Tsukki and he felt even more ashamed of himself afterwards. He's already made his best friend run around for long a period of time, but he's still not ready to face it. If he did, that would mean... What they'd told him... He better-_

_"Speak up," Tsukki urged Yamaguchi impatiently as he wiped his glasses using the edge of his undershirt. Sweat was still slowly dripping from the sides of his face but at least his heart beat has already stabilized a little now._

_Hearing the middle blocker complete Yamaguchi's thoughts right then, it made the jump float server flinch, but the shorter student knew that he doesn't have anywhere to run to anyway._

_"Well..." He stole a glance at Tsukki again only to see the other patiently waiting for him to spill the beans, despite all the trouble Yamaguchi put the other through. Closing his eyes, Yamaguchi just let it all out even though his chest was hurting with every syllable, recounting the words of female students gossiping as he passed them by earlier this morning._

_"Haven't I become a... burden to you... yet?"_

_Chancing another glance, he saw Tsukki's countenance contort with a expression that spoke like,_

_'What language are you using to speak to me right now?!'_

_"It's just-" Gritting his teeth, his hands curling into fists, Yamaguchi didn't hold himself back any longer,_

_"Everything I do, I just can't do them right!_

_"You're always making up for my mistakes!_

_"And I'm always having you help me-"_

_"Isn't that what friends normally do?" Tsukki interrupted the pinch server quite apathetically._

_Yamaguchi looked like someone splashed a bucket of ice cold water on him. The olive haired pinch server still felt uneasy though._

_"...Actually, not much has changed since we were kids..."_

_Again, even though Tsukki just remained silent, Yamaguchi somehow already knew what Tsukki must be thinking about,_

_'What are you really talking about?'_

_'You're not making any sense.'_

_But if Tsukki was really having his time wasted, then he should open his eyes now, so Yamaguchi still pressed on,_

_"Wouldn't it be better if you never had a shadow that always followed you around?!"_

_His chest felt raw. It was something that the two of them had really never touched upon, as if it was a silent agreement. But today, the pinch server really felt like it was an enormous elephant in the room. Yamaguchi just didn't want to pain Tsukki with diligently ignoring it anymore._

_Looking at Tsukki, Yamaguchi saw that the other's eyes widened fractionally. The jump float server's lips felt cold and he steeled his arms to his sides to hide his pathetic tremors._

_A tense silence passed between them but Tsukki broke the ice with an irritated sigh._

_"Who even told you that?" the middle blocker unwittingly protested, lips pulling into a thin line._

_Feeling his heart skip a beat, Yamaguchi said further,_

_"But! No matter what you do, you're just perfect! That's why you'll always be cool for me, Tsukki..._

_"...I just wanted to be a lover that could walk beside you..._

_"Sometimes, I even question your judgment."_

_"Haah?" Tsukki uncharacteristically snapped, blatantly sounding annoyed already._

_Flinching but still standing his ground, Yamaguchi told Tsukki,_

_"Why'd you even choose me?! With the way I am now- !!"_

_All along, as Yamaguchi vented, he never noticed that Tsukki was closing the distance between them. At that point, Tsukki was just an arm's length away from Yamaguchi._

_"It's true,"_

_Yamaguchi stayed still, speechless and feeling like his world would finally end, until Tsukki finished his words before Yamaguchi could misinterpret them further._

_"Although at first, I would have wanted someone with better visuals, I did not like you for your looks."_

_Chuckling lightheartedly, Tsukki poked Yamaguchi's head and teasingly pushed it, making it so that the pinch server looked like a fool, for which Yamaguchi really was._

_Before the jump float server could do anything more about it, Tsukishima Kei completely closed the distance between them by trapping Yamaguchi in an embrace._

_"Tsukki-!"_

_"Stay still and I'll treat you to some soggy fries on our way home."_

_Flushing with embarrassment and a little bit of guilt, the pinch server still squirmed in Tsukki's hold, "But-"_

_"Shh, shhhh...."_

_Deeply inhaling the comforting, distinct scent from Yamaguchi's hair and the hollow of his neck, slowly, they started gently rocking,_

_"Hold me... Just hold me..._

_"This is what I want."_

_Blushing darker, Yamaguchi returned the hug and closed his eyes as he gently squeezed Tsukki, tearing up a bit as he answered,_

_"Hai..."_

_Not a moment later, Tsukishima Kei added,_

_"Bakaguchi,"_

_"H-Hai?!"_

_"Remember this,_

_"You're not a burden till I say so, understood?"_

_"..._

 

_"Wakatta."_

 

But right now, it's different.

Right now... Tsukki's suffering so much because of him.

...Forcing his feelings on Tsukki... Making the other overexert himself even though he couldn't afford to...

It couldn't be denied that Tsukki would be so much better off without these kinds of confusing things being imposed on him.

Things like memories...

Before Yamaguchi even knew it, he had already become what he feared the most he'd be to Tsukki.

His burden.

_'Are you sure that's still love?'_

Tsukki's always getting hurt.

_'You're not a burden till I say so, understood?'_

"Sorry, Tsukki. But this time... I know for sure... I'm already-"

His hand still trembling, Yamaguchi covered his mouth more fully to mute his sobs, even though his fingers felt too weak doing it.

"T-Tsukki, I'm s-sorry...

"I'm so sorry..."

Feeling his chest be stabbed incessantly by sharp pains, Yamaguchi curled up into a ball and helplessly hugged his knees. It was a pain he thought he could embrace. It was just that inexpressible... especially since his mind was telling him one thing, and he knew it was the right thing to do. Still, Yamaguchi's heart was telling him something else.

He started considering... Maybe Ennoshita-san was right?

When will he keep letting himself be tided over by his emotions?

He remembered the way he last bid Tsukki goodbye,

_'Sore ja.'_

Now Yamaguchi knew just what was wrong with how he excused himself. He should have phrased it more properly then. It came out so differently, but now he no longer had the courage to correct it.

" _S-Sa... Sayo-..._ " Yamaguchi choked on his own breath, the taste of salt vivid on his lips.

Even now, even though Tsukki was not in front of him, he couldn't even say it properly. He convinced himself well, and wouldn't let himself believe otherwise, that that was the reason why he was crying so hard.

_Sayonara_

 


	11. 3:42:01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 11 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: This chapter does not promote self-harm.
> 
> (I feel that this chapter is lacking, hmmm... I wrote this while I was on a writer's block roll... XDD)
> 
> DISCLAIMER:
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE-- I repeat, NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

 

**~~~~~~**

 

**Open...**

**...eyes...**

**...open....**

**-our....**

**.**

**...**

**\- !¡! OPEN YOUR EYES !!! -**

**Tsukishima Kei jerked where he was lying, then he was wide awake. His eyes darted around the room in a crazed manner as he sat up on his bed, taking note that darkness was wrapped like a straightjacket around him again.**

**It's always happened this way...**

**'He's' awake.**

**'He's' here.**

**But the daylight waned many a previous hours ago.**

**It felt like the dark was there to make him run around in circles again.**

**Silence.**

**The alarms never rang.**

**Kei just knew, because he couldn't feel the tingle underneath his thumbs... his index fingers...**

**He groped for his phone on his bedside table using what little illumination the moonlight that filtered through his curtains could provide.**

**He scoured through the clock system app and saw that everything else was grayed out.**

**His jaw clenched tight. Otherwise he said nothing.**

**Leaving his phone on the bed, he walked in the dark, straight to the direction of his desk, skillfully not stumbling on anything and not even feeling the stark coldness of the floor against the warm soles of his feet.**

**He turned on his desk lamp effortlessly.**

**He knew there was something different about his books. His pens. Everything.**

**But it didn't feel right.**

**The books weren't supposed to 'stick' together.**

**He briskly pulled off one book from the arrangement like a masterful opening move in chess.**

**Like dominoes, the books bowed toward each other, still balancing together though they created quite an unstable looking pyramid...**

**Empty.**

**EMPTY.**

**Again, and again, he pulled some out until the books were reduced to a disorderly pile.**

**...**

**Gone!**

**His priceless possessions, no matter how mundane...**

**His elusive memories...**

**First, his muscles were taut. Then like a string giving in, the tension was released and Kei swept away most of the things on his study table with an enraged growl.**

**The thuds seemed to be louder because of the wooden floor.**

**His desk lamp toppled and started blinking on and off erratically, but it stayed atop the desk, at least.**

**Everyone in the house wouldn't mistake Kei's voice for anything else. Someone must have been roused awake as well, for not even a few minutes later, a muffled voice sounded down the hallway,**

**"...Kei?"**

**Slumped on his desk, Kei was clutching his head so hard, he began pulling off a few strands of his flaxen hair.**

**It's happened!**

**He's done it!!**

**He rummaged frantically for the waste bin underneath the table but found that it was squeaky clean.**

**Eyes that were a little bloodshot had irises on them that from soothing amber turned into fiery sanguine.**

**Furious eyes darted maniacally here and there, all colors sighted fading into red monochrome.**

**The rope of sanity was being reduced to thread lines quickly and more quickly.**

**Spotting the cutter that was among the last few clutters that remained on his desk, he picked it up without second thoughts and started to hurt 'him'.**

**One deep stab to the shoulder,**

**Curse you!!!**

**Slashes to his left wrist. Not enough! It needs to be deeper!!**

**How can you make him bleed if you do it so weakly?**

**HARDER!!!**

**Never mind that he harmed himself along with it as long as he brought the stranger that usurped his body down to hell with him!**

**He thought about blinding himself, but then stopped, mid slash on his right thigh, as he thought, he could write a message that could never be erased no matter what 'that person' did.**

**He picked up the last book that stubbornly remained on his desk and "wrote" his conviction in there. Excess drops deformed the words but isn't it "the more, the better"?**

**Placing the book back in his desk so that it looked innocuous, he marveled at the wood of his table.**

**Again he "wrote".**

**Lifting the bloodied blade so that it glinted silver and crimson against the sporadic illumination he thought...**

**Next, he could-**

**A horrified gasp sounded from his doorway.**

**He doesn't remember leaving his door open.**

**"...K-Kei!"**

**Incognizant sepias met alarmed honeyed orbs.**

~~~~

Today seems so different, not that Kei knew any better since he couldn't even remember yesterday to serve as a basis for comparison, but somehow he just knew. No one in his family even wanted to explain how he got his wounds to him. They just walked on eggshells whenever they're around him, making it all the more obvious that something wrong indeed happened involving him that he just had no way of knowing as of the moment. Besides, even he himself has been noticing that he had been acting strangely for most of the day now.

Earlier this morning, when he was sitting indian-style on the floor of their living room while he was watching TV together with his brother Akiteru, Kei kept inching to the side until he almost fell. But the former middle blocker jerked halfway and corrected himself to sit up again, patting his side as if he was missing something.

Good naturedly laughing at him, Akiteru asked Kei what it was that the middle blocker had been attempting to do. Kei just dismissed it as 'nothing', too embarrassed to say that he'd been expecting something to lean on while he was watching TV, sitting on the floor.

For the next few minutes that passed, a confused Kei kept discreetly patting his side, wondering why he was expecting a back to fall on in his brief moment of laziness.

Eventually, the empty space beside him made him uncomfortable enough to push himself to join Akiteru again on the sofa. He pulled one of the throw pillows on the couch to his lap and wrapped his lanky arms tightly around it, making himself only be overly aware of the object in his arms. He tried so hard to convince himself that he was indeed holding something in an effort to mask that "spacey" feeling that just nagged at him from the back of his mind.

But why does his arms still feel so... empty?

Noon came, and he spent most of it absorbedly pressing buttons on the controller as he tried to beat the last boss of this one addicting video game. In the middle of his play, Kei couldn't tolerate his thirst anymore but at the same time, he still wanted to keep playing. So that he did, never pausing the game, and instead talked aloud in his room,

"Hey, pass me the cola."

He never heard the pop of a can opening and the fizzle that was supposed to follow after, making his forehead crinkle a little. He decided to wait some more and when the coke never reached his side, he paused his game, feeling quite vexed as his impatience sounded through his tone,

"Hey-

..."

....that's right. As he looked over his back and saw only the can of soda a few feet behind him, it became more apparent.

He's been alone in his room all the time...

So who was he expecting to boss around?

After a short while, Kei cautiously reached for the soft drink, bringing it slowly to his lips as he looked around the corners of his room vigilantly, as if an alien thing would come popping out at any moment. Nothing happened and the middle blocker forgot about his thirst. Not taking even a sip from the already open can of soda, he just put it a foot away from his side and faced the screen, never overlooking the fact that he had no other company in his room again as he resumed his playing.

Come afternoon, Kei was by himself on the dining table, helping himself to a bowl of fresh strawberries as his eyes never left the ticking clock just across the room. Every thirty minutes or so, his head would turn of its own accord to the direction of the front door... As if something random would just come bursting through the entrance at any moment. Frowning every time the door stayed closed, Kei would turn back to the table to steady his hands, fidgeting and patting... Even he himself doesn't really know what he wants to do.

On the chair beside him, the stegosaurus plushie he had always carried around as a child was seated, slightly tilted away from Tsukki's direction. He patted it countless times but it wasn't satisfying that tingling underneath his palms and his fingertips.

He was just itching to hold... to caress something.

Is it a dog? He's not even a puppy loving person...

What was he really waiting for?

Even then, as he turned his attention back to his strawberries, something in the back of his mind was just clawing... to be let out... or something. Looking at the strawberries and seeing their red flesh dotted with innumerable tiny seeds, the fruits also seemed to be conspiring against him.

They reminded him of someone's face... perhaps.

Kei bit off half of a strawberry quite enthusiastically, yearning for that sourish, fruity burst, but then slowly grimaced and proceeded to finish all of the strawberry by chewing gently... Very gently.

He picked up another strawberry in the same manner and thought about eating it gently...

Kei slowly brought the strawberry to his lips and softly tapped its surface with his tongue. He tenderly licked, and the slightly uneven texture tickled his tastebuds.

But then, Kei thought about how stupid he looked like with what he was doing,

'The fuck?! It's just a strawberry!!'

He then bit the strawberry hard and proceeded to eat it "normally", red with embarrassment all the way.

For the next few strawberries that followed until he finished all of them, Kei chewed them hard so that he was almost gritting his teeth, still convinced that he was eating the red fruits in a "normal" way.

Now that it was evening, after recalling the weird events that happened in the earlier parts of the day, Kei was becoming more and more convinced that something just wasn't... Not 'not right', but that something was not adding up... as if something was out of place, just as he couldn't feel a sense of familiarity from the contents of his phone even though the heft of the object against Kei's palm felt just right, proving that it has settled on his palm more than a lot of times already.

Finding no more interesting stuff to be seen in his files but still finding it hard to let go of his phone, Kei started to tinker with the system applications, until he got to the clock app and read the labels of the grayed out alarms.

'Look at your desk'

'Look at your desk'

'Look at your desk'

'Set alarms again to remember'

The alarms were set at hourly intervals. Wondering what was so important about his desk that he had to set so many alarms with the same label, Tsukishima Kei fought off the sluggishness that was keeping him glued to his mattress and finally trudged his way to his study table.

It looked... clean.

Well, not just that. Rather, it even looked completely unused. Not a fly of paper out of place.

Seeing the desk look like that made Kei a bit uneasy, for reasons that he has yet to know.

Remembering what he saw on his phone, he started rummaging on his desk though, taking care not to move things around so much so that the desk could maintain its pristine condition.

After looking at all the drawers, the mug that held his pens, all the possible sites where things could be hidden on his desk and still finding "nothing", Kei was about to give up and dismiss everything else he was doing as stupid, until he noticed a rough part on his wooden desk.

The way it was carved was so subtle and small, it was barely perceptible, but Kei guessed he was just that bored, having too much time on his hand for him to actually take note of the roughly etched character.

It read, _'Hon'_.

Kei had just rearranged the books after he removed them one by one on his desk earlier, but he promptly considered touching them again, convincing himself that it wasn't that lame to be wasting his time on unproductive "clue" hunting anyway... or was it?

He found one of the thick, hardbound pocketbooks he used to be quite fond of, looking a bit different from the rest. Just looking at its sides, you'd see that its leaves look like they were a little ruffled, as if they've been exposed to moisture so that they'd be a bit wavy when they dried. Looking at the top part of the book, Kei saw a tiny, brownish stain.

Curious about what the stain may be, and the possibilities of how the book got such a strange stain, Kei parted the pages of the book where the stain seeped through to see the extent of the damage. The papers even stuck together at some points at first, but with dexterous and patient fingers, Kei got the pages to separate eventually.

What started as boredom turned into shock and dread. Kei never would have expected to discover such an appalling "message" from him to himself as he recognized his own penmanship screaming at him from the pages, as they stretched jaggedly across the paper,

**"I LOVE HIM! I WON'T LET YOU REPLACE ME!!!"**

Just as Kei was wondering about what was used to vandalize the book with such a message, he felt the wounds on his thigh, wrists, and back pulse a little with pain.

Unnerved, Kei shut the book loudly and chucked it in the waste bin underneath his desk. He marched back to his bed and absentmindedly sprawled on it, massaging spots on his forehead where they'd start aching.

"Who?...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My prelim exams ended today~ I failed my statistics star-spangled-ly (lol inventing words)! I'd need a miracle for finals so please pray for me (or wish me luck if you're an atheist), I'll take all you'd offer T^T


	12. FLASH FORWARD X2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ch 12 of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The link provided (hyperlink) is important! >_
> 
> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE-- I repeat, NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

 

~~~~~~

The plum colored blotch on his face was gone now, and even the bruise on his stomach was healing nicely. 

It's been almost a week and a half since Yamaguchi Tadashi stopped visiting his best friend... Or at least that's what the former pinch server has been trying to convince himself. In reality, it's only been almost a week and a half since Yamaguchi has last shown his face to Tsukki. The freckled high schooler has been telling himself that just staying outside Tsukki's house didn't count as a 'visit' even though his conscience has been telling him otherwise.

Yamaguchi stayed outside, just behind the thick trunks and foliage of the trees on the other side of the street, so he wouldn't be noticed that easily since he couldn't even find a speck of strength to face Tsukki in himself anymore.

Blushing a bit in shame, Yamaguchi knew that what he was doing these days can already be labelled as something 'stalker-ish', but his defense was that he just couldn't help himself.

Even though he looked pathetic and helpless, sweating in the heat of the day outside when he could have been staying ventilated at home, the jump float server never budged in his place. Yamaguchi resignedly guessed that maybe he would stay there outside, without being able to hope on anything just like that, until the sun had sunk and night had fallen again.

That was what he thought, until Tsukki broke the cycle at last.

It was 2:30 in the afternoon when Tsukki sneakily let himself out of their house, noiselessly closing their gate as the amnesiac teenager pocketed his wallet and phone. It seems, Tsukki got out for a walk outside. Yamaguchi began to worry. Where was Mrs. Tsukishima? Is she out? What about Akiteru-san? Does he know?

'But if that wasn't the case, then it'd be best to help,' was Yamaguchi's excuse, then he began covertly following Tsukki.

Walking all the way, a few minutes later, Yamaguchi found himself in front of the glass doors of arcade games. He couldn't follow Tsukki inside for fear of being found out. So no matter how thirsty Yamaguchi felt, even as he could taste his saliva become a bit bitter, he stayed outside, resolute in never letting Tsukki out of his sight.

 

'Games in the house... and then games again just as you got outside?', Kei heard himself say in his mind. 

He ignored the mental jab as he pushed through the glass doors of the arcade games. He needed a change of environment anyway. He just couldn't tolerate the walls of his house anymore. Everything seemed to suffocate him in there, including the things he does without his knowing and why he felt so empty. He'd laugh at himself if he could, but he just couldn't deny what he felt anymore.

He felt like he'd reverted to being a kid, sick with the flu and colds.

After Kei had gotten in, he stood in the same spot like fool for a while, not really knowing what he himself wanted to do. He got out of the house without a concrete purpose, just letting himself be led by his impulses for now. Now, that impulse told him to get the fluffiest stuffed toy dog the shop displayed as his eyes landed on it, and that he did, by starting to win one game after the other. Tsukishima Kei never really had a thing for dogs. He knew he was obsessed with prehistoric era creatures, but he was determined to win the stuffed toy anyway. He didn't know why and what for, but something in his mind just told him that someone would be happy if he did.

He got out of the arcade games victorious and with the stuffed toy dog in his arms.

Now he really didn't know what to do. Should have just ignored his pointless impulses? He could already imagine what he looked like as he stood outside of the arcade games shop, being a tall, gangly teenager holding something that really didn't fit his image... He came all the way out here by himself; he didn't have company, so for whom did he really get this toy for?

Just in time, a girl about seven years of age stopped beside him, her indecision about going inside the shop evident with her fidgeting, as she ogled at the stuffed dog Kei was holding. Without putting much thought to it, he practically shoved the stuffed toy to the young girl's face as he laconically told her,

"Take it." 

Overlooking his menacing aura, the girl gave him a grin with two front teeth missing, snatched the toy and happily gamboled away after saying,

"Thank you, kind _onii-chan_!"

Kei knew he did the right thing, so why couldn't he stop this immature thought, telling him, "I didn't win that for her."

Why did he feel like he regretted giving it to that girl? Who else could he have given that toy to anyway?

His stomach growled, but what Kei clutched unwittingly that his shirt crampled was his chest, as it felt more hollow than his stomach did.

Next, the freckled former pinch server followed Tsukki to a fast food chain. 

This time, Yamaguchi followed inside, hoping that the throng of people inside would be enough for him to be able to evade Tsukki.

As Kei waited in the queue, he couldn't shake off the feeling that someone was staring at him. He could just feel the stare digging into his back and giving his nape this uncomfortable, ticklish feeling. He looked behind him for a moment before facing forward again. What was he doing, really? He didn't even know who to expect anyway.

As Kei got out of the restaurant, he questioned just how large his appetite must be. If his mother was there, she would have just laughed it off, telling him just how much of a growing child he still is, but Kei didn't think that was the case here. Looking at the proportions of the take out he ordered, it could be a meal for two people, having a large soda, large fries, and a large burger.

He wasn't _that_ hungry.

How was he going to finish this all by himself?

He thought about sharing the fries with Akiteru as he started off with the burger and a sip from the large soda that he had. But Kei tied the plastic bag in such a way that the fries would accumulate moisture from its own steam so that it'd be soggy by the time he got home, without even thinking of his actions.

Disregarding manners and all, Kei ate as he walked, thinking a stroll would be good before he finally went home. As he headed to the direction where he thought he had come from, he passed by pet shops on the way and lingered there, looking at all the dogs- just the dogs.

What was up with dogs?

Kei wasn't really fond of noisy, hyperactive pets so he didn't know why he was checking them out for. As the sky grew a little bit darker, the sun must have started setting a while ago, Kei knew that he was wasting his time.

"I really need to go home now..." Kei whispered to himself as he was poised to turn to walk away, ignoring dozens of puppy eyes trained on his figure.

 

Yamaguchi was having a blast and at the same time, he felt tortured. He really wanted to join Tsukki over there and look at how cute the dogs were together, including discovering what breeds of dogs each competing pet shop had.

Just then, the former pinch server's phone rang. The vibration made him jolt so Yamaguchi immediately answered the call, worried that the sound might make Tsukki turn around to look at him. Not even looking at the screen to know who might be calling him at this time of the day, Yamaguchi just thought at how bad the timing could be. Just when he hoped to be hiding well...

" _...Moshi-moshi?_ "

"Yamaguchi-kun??" hearing Akiteru-san's voice blasting agitatedly through the speakers, the freckled teenager couldn't think anymore of a more intelligent response other than,

"Hai?"

"Ahh! Th-This is! Akiteru!- You see... 

**"...KEI IS MISSING!!! asdfghjkl@ &$#¥£+?!!**

"Waaah!!! Yamaguchi-kun, what should I do?? _Kaa-san's_ out grocery shopping so she'd be back really soon! When she gets home and finds Kei gone, she's gonna kill me for sure!!! Waaah~"

Amidst the barrage of Akiteru-san's worried interjections and anxious thoughts sounding through the phone, Yamaguchi struggled to get a word in.

"A-Akiteru-san, listen!!!"

"...Yes,"

"I'm with Tsukki."

"Ahh, okay....- 

"Eh? **EHH??!** W-Wait- What do you mean?!"

"That's why... All this time, I've been trying to tell you... Actually, the thing is, I've been following him around so technically, I'm not really 'with him' either."

"Ehh?! How..."

"I've started following him since I first saw him get out of your house, Akiteru-san,"

"Really?? Ahhh... _Yokatta..._ Seriously, Yamaguchi-kun, I'm so relieved that you were there at the right time. 

"Is Kei all right? What has he been doing?"

"Yes, he is. Right now, he's entertaining himself by checking out the displays of the pet shops.

"Before that, he played arcade games and he even got himself some fries and a burger. There really isn't anything to worry about, actually."

Yamaguchi slightly smiled to himself as his eyes slowly followed Kei's figure to and fro, still pacing in front of a pet shop he was checking out a few minutes ago. Now, Tsukki was just enjoying a hearty bite of his burger and a long sip of his drink.

"I understand. Of course, there'd be nothing left to be worried about, now that you're there. 

"So then, when you saw Kei leave the house, were you planning to visit?"

"Eh?"

"It's been a few days now since you've last visited us, right? Have you forgiven Kei since then?"

"That... A-About that,"

Kei had told himself a lot of times that the next feint would be the last already, but maybe he ignored his conscientious self one time too many. It was just that fun seeing the dogs' heads turn to his direction wherever he walked, probably because of the food he carried.

But eventually, he got tired of entertaining himself with dogs' gullibility and left the shop's glass windows for good. Though after a few paces, Kei slowed to a stop. He became disoriented of his surroundings and started questioning himself about where home really was. If he was heading for the right direction...

Choosing to trust his gut instincts on a whim, Kei let his body do the thinking again.

"Hmm... I see. Then, I leave it to you to get him back home, all right? You don't need to worry about talking to Kaa-san when Kei gets back here, I'll explain things to her. It's my fault that things became this troublesome anyway. I should have been paying more attention to Kei,

" _Ja._ "

As Akiteru-san ended the call, Yamaguchi didn't know whether to feel relieved first or to feel his shoulders droop with this heavy weight on his chest. But he eventually figured out his priorities and went back to focusing his attention on Tsukki...

Or was about to.

**"WHERE IS HE?!!"**

Oh, shoot! Never mind that Yamaguchi looked like a mad man as he shrieked to himself and clutched his dark olive green hair in bewilderment after he threw his crushed cup of soda in a nearby trash can. Just when he told Akiteru-san that everything was going fine, here he goes missing Tsukki like an idiot!

Haaa.... Where is he going to look for Tsukki now?? Tsukki has amnesia!

 

Except for some little details here and there, like,

'Has that sakura tree always been that crooked?'

Or

'What about the lamp post here?'

Or 

'Wasn't there a railing here before?'

The more Kei walked the path leading to his house, the more he could remember.

'Yes, this is the fork in the road where we always parted ways when we go home, or when he says he needs to practice jump float serving with...'

'.....

'Huh?'

Nonetheless, Kei still smiled a small grin to himself as he took a turn and the surroundings of the neighborhood became even more familiar to him, so much so that everything looked picturesque already.

But then, as he reached the front gates of his house, he was back to thinking,

'Huh?'

Because there was a different name plaque outside his house, and it didn't read 'Tsukishima'.

Smile vanishing from his face, Kei wasn't even aware of when he had pressed the door bell.

 

Feeling more panicky the more time passed, Yamaguchi was losing hope. Should he start calling the police?? But he didn't want to cause anybody trouble! And it'd make Mrs. Tsukishima faint because of worry... And Akiteru-san would end up in hotter water for sure!

Awah wah wah!

Tsukki has amnesia-

Wait.

Could it be-

 

"Ahh, I see. I understand now." Kei courteously replied almost monotonously, but the new occupant of the house that the chiffon haired teenager talked to was too oblivious to notice that something was wrong.

Out of curiosity, the missus asked what Kei's relationship was to the previous occupants of the house. Kei's only reply was,

"I'm a friend."

A few more prolonged pleasantries after that and Kei was walking the opposite direction of what used to be his home.

He wondered where he should go, yet he just let his feet take him to wherever yet again.

A park. It has a children's playground.

He sat on a swing and pulled out his phone.

He should call somebody, but he set aside that thought as he imagined what trouble he'd be under when he did. They'd know he went out of the house when his Kaa-san clearly told him he shouldn't.

As he pushed the power button on his phone, his screen flashed a background which was not so familiar to him.

It was an address. Maybe it was his current address?

If he hailed a cab and told the driver to go to that place, he should be able to go back, right?

Somehow, Kei didn't feel like doing that.

Actually, he doesn't want to.

What he wanted was to be familiar with his phone again, just like how he knew the surroundings of this neighborhood so well.

So he searched through his files, his photos, and he saw one that stood out to him the most.

'Set as home screen and lock screen.'

Then, he recalled a memory he knew so well... Of saving a _yowamushi_ by laughing at his bullies, is all.

Kei felt water start to prick the edges of his vision.

Where was he?

_'...Oh! It was about a year and a half ago! By the end of this year it'd be two years since then, eh?...'_

_Why wasn't anyone telling him anything?_

_'...The previous residents' son was involved in an accident together with his friend. To start a new leaf, they moved away from here...'_

Is he-

"Tsukki?"

That voice was almost as good as music to his ears.

"Tsukki, why are you crying?"

Looking up to the direction of that voice, Kei regained his breath, though his chest constricted a bit more. Kei felt an initial bout of gladness and relief before a torrent of strong emotions he didn't like to entertain overwhelmed him.

"What took you so long?!!" Tsukki exclaimed as he abruptly stood up from the swing he was sitting on.

"Don't you know how long I've waited for you?!

"Like a fool, I kept looking at clocks, waiting for someone to burst through the front door, and I didn't even know that someone was supposed to be you!!"

All the while, as Tsukki vehemently spat his complaints, he closed the distance between him and the former jump float server. Unable to contain his anger anymore, he grabbed Yamaguchi's collar and shook him as he yelled,

**"How can you throw me aside like that?!!"**

Wounding his ego, tears fell from Kei's eyes and he leaned his head on Yamaguchi's shoulder as his grip on the former pinch server's shirt gradually loosened.

"My mind may be flawed, but don't just assume things on your own..."

Clarity of mind coming to Tsukki was so rare, but it still comes, and when it does, it's when it's most painful. It's the type of pain that feels like it's ravaging you to the very marrow of your bone, because you couldn't do anything by the end of it. Because he couldn't remember his most important memories more often than not, every single time Yamaguchi and him were together, it felt like he was looking through the eyes of someone else and he couldn't do what he really wanted to do.

Even when it was just leaning on his best friend, like Kei was doing now.

His voice losing power, Kei defeatedly expressed his next words like a sulking child,

["...You should just love me."](https://youtu.be/YUDf13zVVYA)

More tears fell, soaking a portion of Yamaguchi's shoulder.

"T-Tsukki-"

" _Usai!_ "

" _Demo-_ "

" _Kuso_ , don't look at me!!"

Ever since they were kids, Yamaguchi had always known that Tsukki has a hard time expressing what he felt inside. Right now, though Tsukki didn't say anything in relation to it, the way his shoulders are hunched... how he's pushed most of his weight against Yamaguchi... Kei's slight trembling and the petulant lilt at the end of his sentences...

Everything of it just shouted out one message to Yamaguchi.

_I was so lonely._

Yamaguchi contentedly sighed in relief. Nothing much has changed.

This is still Tsukki in front of him.

His Tsukki.

Feeling happy even though his chest hurt so much, Yamaguchi gently wrapped his arms around Tsukki. And even though it was painful to swallow his pride, Kei allowed himself to relish Yamaguchi's embrace. If it involved that, it was all right to be lame for as long as it took.

Starting to cry himself, Yamaguchi dared to talk, despite the tremors in his voice,

" _Gomen ne_ , Tsukki. I... I just didn't want you to suffer,"

Becoming puzzled at what he was hearing, Kei hugged Yamaguchi tighter and squeezed the shorter teenager to himself. At the corner of his mind, Kei had this irrational fear of Yamaguchi leaving him all by himself again.

"These days... haven't they felt better? 

"No one's forcing themselves on you. There are no urgent things you need to recall. You aren't pressured to remember anything. And the people around you can take care of your health really well..."

The more Kei listened, the more infuriated he felt and his hand returned to clutching Yamaguchi's collar with a tighter grip.

_So it wasn't just today, huh..._

Making sure his eyes were dry, Tsukishima Kei made eye contact with Tadashi.

"Ba. Ka. Gu. Chi...,"

At seeing Tsukki's fiery glare, Yamaguchi flinched, but he still voiced out his growing concern, albeit full of trepidation in his tone.

"Tsu-Tsukki, I can't- breathe-!"

Releasing the other's collar and holding him at arms' length, Tsukki's tone dropped a note lower as he became more serious,

"What do you think it takes? Loving someone."

"E-Eh? Eto..."

After the freckled pinch server let out his feeble, hypothetical answer, he earned a facial expression from Kei that he's never yet seen on the middle blocker from all the days they'd stayed together all their lives.

"Stupid," Tsukishima Kei apathetically told him. But after that, Tsukki was becoming more and more full of emotion the more he spoke, overcoming his phobia of intense feelings for the mean time, so he could reach Yamaguchi's heart again, just like a monochrome canvas gaining a burst of vivid colors.

"Remembering just makes it easier for everybody else! 

"Today, lovers would say that they love each other. Tomorrow they would think they still do because they still have their experiences from yesterday; memories to cherish and recall every time their love's starting to flicker, to go back to the start of it all... But, I realized that love doesn't work just one way!

"Memories can only go so far...

"Night is like this invisible hand that silently pushes the reset button. So, every tomorrow that comes, couples only think they still love each other because of what they've experienced yesterday... not really _love_ each other.

"...Why do you think long distance relationships require more work? Isn't it because they don't meet every day to reaffirm their relationship like we can still so easily do?

"All this time... with you... I believed in that because you've always persisted. So, don't you dare think otherwise now!"

Speechless with sight being blurred by tears, Yamaguchi was the one clutching Kei's shirt tightly now. Throwing all cares out the metaphorical window, Kei let his barriers fall and his vulnerability show, just for today.

"Actually, just think of me as a music player with a jammed reset and rewind buttons. 

"Such a crappy device right?" Kei snickered, trying to lighten things up.

"But what difference would it really make? You've just got to spend every new day with me. We'd still have to win each others hearts, so that at the end of the day, we can still conclude what's true..."

Trailing to silence, Kei didn't say anymore but both of them knew what it was really all about,

_Our love._

"Hey... Now I've been reduced to a lame-o because of you. You oughta say something..."

Yamaguchi only squeezed Tsukki as they embraced again. But a moment later, the former pinch server was voicing out a desire he couldn't hold back any longer.

"Tsukki,"

Still feeling moody, Kei only grunted in response.

"Can we kiss?"

Feeling his face heat up almost instantaneously, Kei started quickly pulling away but Yamaguchi was having none of it and only held on tighter.

"Ngh!! Let- go-!!"

Making an irresistible pout without even being aware of it, Yamaguchi asked,

"We can't?"

Defenseless against Yamaguchi's charms,

"Tch!"

They kissed, hot and deep, but Kei made sure to make it quick, only leaving Yamaguchi breathless... maybe even a little horny.

To distract himself and turn his questionable intentions to more acceptable ones, Yamaguchi offered his best friend,

"Want to eat strawberry short cake? I know this nearby place..."

" _Usai_ , Yamaguchi. If you weren't such an idiot, this could have been a date."

" _Gomen_ , Tsukki..." the pinch server dejectedly said, pouting a little.

"...Am I really too late?"

"Tch!" Pushing the bag of fries that was starting to become soggy on Yamaguchi's chest, Kei couldn't resist the temptation,

"...W-Where is it?"

_If only they could stay that way._

 


	13. FLASH FORWARD X32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of T ILY T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was listening to Evanescence's My Immortal as I was trying to churn up this last chapter.
> 
> It's already "All Saints Day" where I am now...
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> DISCLAIMER
> 
> Everything of Haikyuu!! (Characters, plot, etc.) is owned by Furudate Haruichi-sensei only.
> 
> Videos that will be used as chapter headers in this fanfic are NOT MINE-- I repeat, NOT MINE. *Credits to their respective creators*

 

Frozen time cannot stay suspended in animation forever, because its natural state is to flow. The hands of time must move again, as every musical piece come to their inevitable end.

_It was degeneration of nervous tissue, they said... Resulting to shorter memory retention, they said... Because it has only propagated, with no signs of stopping, and the affected nervous tissue has limited regenerative capacity, eventually, it could progress to the loss of cognitive functions, motor functions like bodily coordination, and various other mental functions, the people in trusty white coats... said..._

_Yamaguchi kept replaying their words in his head as he tread the hospital's bleak white halls listlessly. Life and color seemed to leave him with every step he took. A little paler and he'd start blending in with the walls._

_Left foot forward, right foot forward, left again; his every action was becoming mechanical. Yamaguchi didn't want to feel human for a while. He wanted the erosion within to keep being inside himself even for just one day. All he knew was that he wanted to reach a certain room to salvage even the slightest bit of his old self back-- he needed to._

_These last few days, Tsukki has been alternating from periods of wakefulness and unconsciousness. Sometimes, lucid, most times disoriented and unable to recognize faces..._

_One defective thing that stood out to Yamaguchi most was Kei's stony facade. Tsukki was becoming more expressive than before, though he's usually irritable when he wakes up... It was one of the things Yamaguchi questioned himself as to how he'd feel about it... if it should make him happy, or not._

_Taking a deep breath, he finally pushed through._

_As the door swung open, fleeting relief washed over Yamaguchi as he saw that familiar form sitting up on the bed, back propped up with pillows. Even that exasperated expression was something that Yamaguchi was doubly grateful for. As long as that form kept staying on that bed, he'd be all right; Yamaguchi's world would still be on its axis._

_He greatly fears the day when that bed becomes empty, sheets smoothed out, good as new. Even a brief flash of that thought in his mind makes Yamaguchi's chest constrict so harshly as if his heart has barbed wire wrapped around it._

_"...You're always good at annoying me! That's your job, to annoy me!! Who the hell told you to take a fucking day off?!"_

_There were nurses outside that could clearly hear, but they've been used to it by now- Tsukki being loud and cranky._

_If today was like the usual days, Yamaguchi wouldn't be able to stop the stupid grin from making his lips curl. The louder Tsukki became, the more Yamaguchi would feel like giving his best friend a toothy grin, and then he'll tend to Tsukki's needs loyally and dutifully in Mrs. Tsukishima's stead, because the second years' summer vacation had just started and the freckled incoming third year had more than a lot of leisure time in his hands._

_But that day, only the last words of the people in trusty white coats remained in his mind. Though it was being silently chanted like a mantra, Yamaguchi still couldn't wrap his mind around it..._

 

_...What the early onset of nervous tissue degeneration could lead to..._

 

_"Yamaguchi, you better tell me right now, where have you been?! What have you been doing??!"_

_And though those were the words the Tsukki in front of Yamaguchi had been saying, the former jump float server had been hearing a different thing altogether,_

 

**_...Tadashi, promise me one thing?_ **

**_Don't break down in front of me like that again..._ **

 

_Yamaguchi Tadashi was dead set on keeping his promise till the very end, but today was just... something else..._

_"Yamaguchi! Oi, YAMAGU-"_

_"I'm sorry, Tsukki," Yamaguchi talked back unnaturally calmly, making Kei become still at hearing the uncharacteristic tone from his best friend,_

_"It's... It's just so hard."_

_As he resignedly bowed his head, everything could have been masked perfectly, but Yamaguchi's voice cracked and trailed to a whisper by the end,_

_"I feel... I'm insecure,"_

_His mask broke, and tears poured down like rain again._

_Right then, Kei was in the mood to be anything but sympathetic. He laughed at the freckled teenager in front of him in disdain, but he couldn't hide his true self as well because his laughter sounded pained, even to him._

_"It's so... hard?... Insecure? Ha! When you say it like that, how am I supposed to feel?!"_

_Yamaguchi felt a prickle travel up his spine, but he couldn't feel the coldness, because the words of the doctors still rang clear._

_When Yamaguchi remained mute and continued to stand still by Kei's side, not doing anything to show his self who could spar with Kei's sharp words like usual, for the first time in these few months, Kei let his chest be weighed down by curdling dread that he fought against all this time._

_His tone completely changed._

_"Hey," It sounded so tender, it almost felt like a caress, "Look at me."_

_His Kei._

_"Like this, it seems the only thing I'm good at is in making you cry."_

_Yamaguchi hadn't heard Tsukki speak like that in a while. Affectionate, maybe even supplicating... Soft spoken and beckoning... Yamaguchi felt his eyes smart more._

_"Come on... What is it?"_

_Finding it difficult to speak, Yamaguchi even thought his jaw became stuck, but he was able to tell Tsukki, though not so coherently,_

_"They... They s-said... You... You'd d-die..."_

_The last word was almost inaudible because Yamaguchi lost his strength to speak; air seemed to leave his lungs all at once._

_He staggered as he neared Tsukki and held Tsukki's hand. Though Yamaguchi's hand was cold and his grip was shaking, it was tight. He needed to reassure himself._

_"Won't you show me your face?" Unfazed, Kei still spoke in this gentle tone, trying to coax Yamaguchi to raise his head._

_The news wasn't really a surprise to him anymore. Kei somehow could tell, though it could be him being pessimistic as usual. Yamaguchi kept his head down. The tears just won't stop falling._

_"S-Sorry,"_

_Though he was crying, Yamaguchi didn't want to look any more pitiful than he already was, so he tried again,_

_"Sorry for... being lame, Tsukki,"_

_The more Yamaguchi tried to iron himself out, the more he felt like crumbling. And he did, even though he stood just outside Tsukki's door earlier for a considerably long time, telling himself he'd remain strong for Tsukki's sake._

_Tsukki chuckled weakly,_

_"What's that about?_

_"...Remember when I told you my feelings?"_

_Though it was a bit difficult at first, Tsukki was eventually able to extricate his hand from under Yamaguchi's tight hold so he could slip his fingers through the gaps in between Yamaguchi's own, entwining their hands together._

_"We're both lame right now."_

 

**_Lame-os stay together_ **

 

_The freckled teenager only held his pale best friend's hand tighter. At that moment, Kei couldn't repress his thoughts any longer._

_"Yamaguchi, this may be hard... and I might be asking for a lot, but..._

_"Don't give up on me, please..."_

_Kei felt his own eyes water, but it just wasn't his style to be pathetic after all. So for the last time, he challenged his best friend who always did everything to catch up to him,_

_"Don't you have pride?"_

_Putting his fingers under his best friend's chin, Kei gently lifted the freckled teenager's face and met Yamaguchi's eyes unwaveringly. Mustering the last ounce of strength he had, exerted it all to blithely smile._

_Seeing Tsukki try to keep up a sunny disposition like that, even though it contrasted so starkly with the truth, made the brittle calm that held Yamaguchi's composure rift. Finally, the nori-haired, freckled teenager completely broke down in front of his best friend._

_"Tsukki! I love you!!"_

_Incapable of holding himself back, Yamaguchi charged at Tsukki to embrace the latter to himself tightly, holding Kei like there'd be no more tomorrows._

_Overcome by breathless sobbing, painfully throbbing heartbeats, choked gasps, trembling and pathetic sniffling, Yamaguchi's honest feelings uninhibitedly bled through, not giving a damn about shame and who else could hear anymore._

_"I love you!! I love you so much, it hurts!!"_

_Yamaguchi already knew everything was going to be hard. But he wasn't ready for just how hard everything was going to be. Most times, he thought about what he was really hanging on to. Most nights he kept having foolish hopes that somehow... he and Tsukki would make it... He knew his stubbornness was pointless that he may as well be comparable to a mule, but he didn't want to think about what could go wrong... about the 'if it didn't'._

_He wanted to believe in Tsukki..._

_He wanted to believe in something...._

_But as time passed, what Yamaguchi should hold on to only kept getting blurred and blurrier._

_He didn't want to give up, just as he knew he would always love Tsukki with his whole being._

_All those times that Yamaguchi took for granted... All those times that the two of them just spent casually... If only he wasn't a coward... If only he had more courage... All those times he looked at Tsukki with yearning in his eyes..._

_Yamaguchi wished he acted on his feelings more readily._

_"Not yet... Please... No..."_

_Tsukki smiled to himself as Yamaguchi hugged him snuggly. They really are best friends. Because every word Yamaguchi choked on, or uttered in an almost inaudible whisper, or words he simply couldn't say because he cries before he could even finish saying them... Kei already knew what they were even without Yamaguchi clearly saying everything._

_"I... I d-don't want you t-to..."_

_**'die,'** Tsukki finished in his mind for Yamaguchi._

_"P-P-Please... Ghh...uugh..."_

**_'stay,'_ **

_"E-Even if... Ngghh... you forget all about m-me... ugh...aah... please, you m-must,"_

**_'live,'_ **

_"Hhhuugh... I'm sorry for- being selfish.... I'm j-just- I'm s-so-_

_"...so sc- ughh... waah..._

_"Tsukki, please..."_

_Burrying his head in the crook of Tsukki's neck, Yamaguchi continued to cry, enough to get the shoulder of the hospital gown a bit damp. He burrowed his head deeper as if that alone could hide him from the rest of the world-- from reality for a while._

_While they were holding each other so tight like that, without Yamaguchi's knowledge, a teardrop also trailed down Tsukki's cheek, though he couldn't feel anything else._

_After all, he was also afraid._

_'It's all right,' Kei desperately thought, trying to enjoy the warmth that Yamaguchi brought. Kei was comforted by the fact that he could still feel Yamaguchi's body against his, at the very least._

_Resting his weary head against Yamaguchi's as the latter's body quaked with crying, Kei held on tight. Sighing as he stroked Yamaguchi's back tenderly, Kei closed his eyes. Because when the clock strikes 'done', it wouldn't be Yamaguchi's body that would disappear, but his._

_That night, it was Akiteru's turn to watch over him._

_"Aniki, could you let me borrow your phone?"_

_Jerking and then sitting up from where he was lying, Kei's older brother was visibly surprised._

_"Kei?! Kei!!! You're awake??!" Akiteru called out to him, tearfully smiling._

_Because lucid moments were really rare for him, Kei could tell. That's why he threw all hesitations aside and didn't want to waste another moment._

_"How do you feel? Are you hurting anywhere?? Want some water?? Sh-Should I call for the nurse--!"_

_"Aniki! ... Nii-chan, listen."_

_Hearing the old title Kei used to call him with, Akiteru became still immediately._

_"Do me a favour, please. I might take long, so could you head home for the night?"_

_At the end of Tsukki's statement, Akiteru was already frowning. It'd be dangerous to leave Kei alone. With how he's been acting up, you just can't take anything for granted anymore. What if something happened..._

_Already getting wind of what Akiteru's thought processes might be, Kei urged his brother some more._

_"I'll be fine. Please? It's... private."_

_It's been a long time since these last few years that Akiteru's heard Kei speak so politely to him, and using a lot of 'please' in his sentences as well. But he's afraid that he's got to disappoint his little brother just this one time, since he's always spoiled Kei back then anyway._

_"I'll be sleeping anyway so just do your thing. I'll even be plugging my ears if you want, just take your time. But there's no way I'd leave you all by yourself in here, okay?"_

_With that, Akiteru was offering Kei the mobile phone._

_Pursing his lips, Kei looked to the side, not meeting his brother's eyes. Akiteru's mind hasn't always been that easy to change._

_Without saying anything else, Kei took it._

 

_~~~~_

 

_It was the middle of summer vacation, when that day finally came. By then, Kei was most often asleep than awake and everyone silently agreed that it was better for him that way, rather than painfully seeing his involuntary shaking, salivating, peeing himself because he couldn't control his lower muscles anymore, witnessing his almost non-existent short term memory, or his unpredictable shifting from wakefulness to sudden loss of consciousness._

_That time, the freckled high schooler heard it so softly he thought he might have imagined things._

_"Yama...guchi?..."_

_As his best friend showed no signs of even remotely noticing him, the frail patient on the hospital bed feebly swallowed to moisten his parched throat and tried again._

_"...Ta... Tadashi..."_

_Hearing it clearly at the second time, the olive haired teenager quickly spun around to face the fading angel on the hospital bed._

_Continuing to speak despite difficulty articulating the needed words, tremors in his barely audible voice, and getting short of breath as a consequence, Kei said,_

_"Do... you... ...love me?"_

_Not being able to believe what was happening, Yamaguchi let out a gust of breath. His chest was squeezing in both joy and longing as his eyes shone with unshed tears. Cautiously, he approached his best friend's lying form and reached out a trembling hand to gently caress Kei's cheek. It's been really a long time since Tsukki was both awake and conscious at the same time._

_Forehead slightly furrowing, Kei was persistent,_

_"...To... Today... Do you... still..."_

_Though labored, hearing Tsukki talk to him again... Yamaguchi could only tearfully smile. Words seemed to have escaped him. He caressed Kei's face again and even gently slipped his fingers through Kei's flaxen hair._

_"Tsukki..."_

_Kei's hair wasn't as fluffy as before and it seemed as if it has even faded to a lighter color; it just wasn't as vibrant as before. His skin was pallid, not a flush of pink health anywhere, and it's been long since he was last exposed to the warm rays of the sun. His lean build became bony and it was visible that he's become thinner, as Noya-san and the others have offhandedly remarked when they visited four days before._

_But none of that mattered._

_Because right then, what was most important was--_

_That was the last time Yamaguchi saw Kei's amber orbs shining with life._

_Kei's eyes rolled back as his lids subsequently fell. The heart monitor was becoming erratic, shrieking one beep after another for longer intervals. Kei slightly arched from his supine position and then..._

 

_Seizures._

 

_"Tsukki??"_

_Words have come back. His voice was gaining strength._

_Yet, Yamaguchi was helpless._

_He's never felt so helpless in his life._

_"Tsukki!!!"_

_Seeing Kei jerk and involuntarily twist like that, he looked like he was in pain. Yamaguchi wanted to do something. He wanted to help so much but he doesn't know what to do nor how. All he knew was that he wanted it to stop. He wanted Tsukki to stop hurting. Please, just make it stop!_

_Yamaguchi already pushed the emergency button._

_He had a hard time processing the next things that happened; how they happened, in what order..._

_Personnel in white flocked the hospital bed._

_He was jostled, until Yamaguchi was being pushed aside._

_He was requested to go and stay outside._

_He wasn't able to hold the frail hand that reached out to him..._

_That bony frail hand, from which the IV jutted out from, even though it palsied, kept reaching out..._

_"Tsukki,"_

_Moments after the door shut close, the shaking stopped, the hand limply dropped back on the bed; he has given up the fight._

_As the faded and frail patient lied still on the bed, he looked like he was only sleeping like he always did._

_Another vacancy as the flat line on the monitor was accompanied by a seemingly incessant beep._

_The funeral whizzed by._

_It all seems like a dream... as if the person behind the divider was a complete stranger and Yamaguchi couldn't comprehend why people were gathered to send their regards and flowers over to a formal framed picture._

_He was so unstable._

_Somehow, in the deepest part of his mind, Yamaguchi was aware of his own unsteadiness. But it was something he wasn't willing to confront. He was like a shattered figurine that miraculously keeps itself intact even without glue, but that's where the true problem lies._

_He could fall apart anytime and people around him won't be able to tell when._

_And he did, after he kept on visiting the Tsukishima residence like he usually did, as if nothing had really changed at all._

_Gone._

_At rest._

_No more._

_He's told him countless times... Akiteru-san knew it couldn't continue on like that for longer. Honestly, the volleyball-loving college student didn't know what hurt worse anymore... was it pitying Yamaguchi-kun for his state of denial? ...or being unavoidably reminded everyday of..._

_Akiteru decided it was time for Yamaguchi to face the cold hard truth. Just, enough of this lying to themselves! Enough of this feeling sorry for themselves!_

_"Yamaguchi-kun, how many times do you have to visit before you're convinced?"_

_"...Hai?"_

_"K-Kei's dead."_

_"...what?"_

_Slumped shoulders, frazzled appearance, eyes that lacked sleep as suggested by the dark circles that formed beneath them; Yamaguchi's voice sounded small. But it was time they stopped fooling themselves._

_Yamaguchi never had the time to brace himself._

_"He's **dead!** "_

_"No."_

**_"He's gone!!"_ **

_"N-No. Please--"_

_"Kei's been dead a long time ago, Yamaguchi-kun!! You've got to stop this!!!"_

**_"NO!!! YOU'RE LYING!! YOU ALL LIE!!!_ **

_"He... Tsukki's not--"_

_Blinded by tears, Yamaguchi ran back to the direction of his home. If he stayed, he would have seen and heard Akiteru-san as well, shedding tears he'd never thought he'd cry again after that day._

_"Believe me, Yamaguchi-kun, believe me. I wish I were..."_

_Yamaguchi dashed straight to his room, downright ignoring the inquiries of his own mother. Right then, he just wanted to be left by himself. Nobody seemed to understand._

_He locked his door and that was the last time he was able to keep himself intact before he completely disintegrated inside._

_Yamaguchi's knees gave from under him. He sank to the cold floor but it seemed as if the cold emanated from his chest and not anywhere else. It slowly spread until the tips of his trembling fingers, quaking shoulders, tear-stained cheeks._

_An expression of excruciating pain broke Yamaguchi's blank facade before he cried out in agony, wailing._

_Hearing his distress, his mother hurried instantly to his room and started knocking persistently on the door after finding it was locked. She just wanted her baby to be okay._

_He was already balled up on the floor, trying to calm himself down but he could still feel the sharp twinges in his chest like knives being repeatedly twisted through his flesh and his head felt heavy like it's been bludgeoned with a mallet._

_'Gone?'_

_'Tsukki's really...'_

_'Dead?'_

_'He'll never touch that hand again? Feel that warmth against his? The softness of those lips? No more days bickering with each other or just quietly walking home together?'_

_'He'll never see that person again?'_

_Shaking his head forcefully, stubbornly, Yamaguchi didn't want to believe it but he can't deny the truth any longer._

_He cried the tears he never did that day._

_The more he wept, the more he found it harder to breathe. The grief was overbearing on his scrawny, a little malnourished frame. Clutching his chest, Yamaguchi screamed in anguish, as loud as he could manage, wishing it would reach that person._

**_"Kei!_ **

**_"...Tsukki, Come back!!_ **

**_"Stay with me!!!"_ **

_...It wasn't a dream._

_He started living a total nightmare._

_..._

_Soundless._

_Without his moon, Yamaguchi's world was plunged into darkness._

_After all, there may be a lot of stars in the sky, but they could only prick the dark void._

_Yamaguchi could never dispel the pitch black on his own._

_And it remained like that for quite a long while._

_A long, long while, it was almost timeless._

_All those dark ages... Yamaguchi's company were only the ghosts of how Kei's voice was supposed to sound like, what Kei's smile was supposed to look like, how Kei's touch was supposed to feel, how Kei's sharp sarcasm was supposed to sting... Kei's scent... That lost warmth... His empty arms..._

_Yamaguchi doesn't want to forget._

 

_~~~~_

 

_Cherry blossoms on graduation day._

_All the pink petals wastefully scattered on the ground seemed to viciously taunt Yamaguchi in various many ways._

_Clutching his diploma with both hands, most of his buttons gone, he couldn't even fake a smile as two sets of parents greeted him..._

_His own, and the family of the person who should be the one pulling off the morose expression on Yamaguchi's face that day._

_Most things were in perfect place..._

_Most._

_But even if the day was imperfect; bittersweet,_

_\-- it still ended sweet._

_Proud of Yamaguchi's achievements, the recombined family set out to celebrate by eating dinner at a well known place._

_Salvation came._

_Offering Yamaguchi the white headphones and the phone that belonged to 'that person', Akiteru-san urged the freckled fresh graduate,_

_"I think it's best for you to have this. ...Take it,"_

_"...This..."_

_"Kei would have also wanted it to be this way, so..."_

_Though saying it felt akin to sadistically torturing Yamaguchi-kun, Akiteru-san pressed further,_

_"Be sure to use it, okay?"_

_And though Akiteru-san said no more, his continued restless fidgeting with his fingers, readjusting how he settled in his seat, and uncomfortably evading eye contact with Yamaguchi; the nori-haired, freckled fresh graduate already sensed an underlying importance behind that single, last line._

 

_..._

 

_Sometimes, Yamaguchi remembered the words he failed to say, the hand he never held, the love he failed to reaffirm for the last time, and thinks,_

_If that day, he did the things he's never done, would he feel better about himself than he's feeling now?_

_It pained Yamaguchi each time he remembered that he let Tsukki leave this world without even knowing if his freckled best friend loved him still... cared for him still... and it kept Yamaguchi up late for many consecutive nights, it almost harmed the former jump float server's health._

_Smiling, Yamaguchi now knows the answer to that question as one deep blue night, alone in his bed with Kei's white headphones fitting snuggly around his ears and listening to the contents of Kei's phone, Yamaguchi opened the last parcel of soothing moonlight left for him._

 

_"Tadashi, I hope this will reach you..."_

 

_Suspended time will flow again and music plays to its inevitable end._

_Yamaguchi now understands why long distance relationships require more work than the rest, but he's also realized that love doesn't work just one way._

 

**Stopping by the gates of the university's entrance, Yamaguchi stood still and savored the autumn breeze as the faint scent of incoming rain reached him.**

**Smiling to himself, Yamaguchi looked up at the vivid blue skies as he softly whispered to the wind,**

 

**"Don't worry, Tsukki. Today, I love you too."**

 

~*END*~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading until the end!  
> I'll be taking a really long break after this because,
> 
> "LIFE CALLS."
> 
> Hahahahaha


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